This morning I feel such sorrow as I watch my boy sleep. Not in the way you would expect me to feel the weight of that emotion falls solely onto me. At first when I was trying to absorb what everything was saying I allowed this overwhelming sense of being a failure was over me. Isn’t this why I am the way that I am, so of course my boy would end up being some type of way. Well. Deep Breath. That emotion only comes when the pressures of society escapes from my brain and into my thoughts. It has only been for the last few decades, k maybe more like a decade or so that we have been incestuously living on top of each other that has us screaming up to the Heavens for more. There has never been so many tits and *ss on such display but that is ok because our archaic hearts prefers it that way. If we aren’t gearing up our lives to have the sh*t b*nged out of us are we living up to our truest potential of all? There is nothing wrong with being in control of your sexual identity I just had no idea how mainstream and domineering that one single emotion could truly be. It is how we prefer to identify with ourselves each and every time we turn off the lights. We fail to be all that we can be as we display ourselves to the world in such a way.
Did I get caught up in this single emotion wanting to be desirable to all those that can see me or was it more the way that people would approach me that made me always want to be put on display. The irony of it all is when you dress to please it actually irritates the majority. There is no faster way to turn people away from you then trying to seem in control of your own life. You can be in control and still the let emotions come and find you. The weight of others who pass judgement weighs heavy and it will drag you under if you let it. You can’t let it and you have to honor and protect your light. The light that was granted a chance to shine outside of you, that light that smiles and comes alive when I am around. The little tiny, voice that asks me to “Play ROBLOX with me,” that sound makes me stop everything because I know it is my time to shine and play. The very fact that he is asking to play and for interaction tells me he is ready and capable to absorb our playtime like a sponge. Sure he still hates kisses and can fly into a rage but that is when he feels like nobody understands him and he loses his place in this world. What I came to realize is I never got to establish any sort of trust. I have been working on that bond again as I play tirelessly with him for days. My playtime has a little bit of a sneaky motive. We play so I can teach him social stories and all this playing as made mommy and son completely exhausted. Everything that was important has had to take a step aside. Not because my boy is broken but to me there is no important being that is alive.
I am not the only who believes these beautiful lil beings are broken in some way. Back in Nazi Germany these children were gassed into Hans Asperger had his say. We don’t know what happens when we are trapped inside our heads our the thoughts that we have. Inside the mind of a child with Asperger’s is a mind that potentially unlock the secrets of the world one day if we can only learn how to channel their ability and release it onto the world. They desire to specialize in the area that brings their soul to the surface and makes every day rush with excitement and fill their hearts with such delight. The only reason this single characteristic would be annoying to a few is because they are jealous of the powers of the individual if harnessed properly and potentially released. There is something to be said for a soul set on fire with the intentions and purpose of all the lifetimes that were lived before. The magic that resides in such a powerful little being is contagious. When I marinade each day with all that is inside him I find that he is able to draw my power outside of me. Not in a bad way. In a way that makes me feel alive. I am thankful for this opportunity. Even the moments when I failed to see it as so.
So I chose life and everything that comes out of it and the potential of power that clearly resides deep within. I surround myself with so much life it becomes contagious anytime I move in or out of the room. My colony of crabs is thriving and so is my crazy cat lady life. 9 cats maybe too many for some but there is something to be said for having 9 of them around. The morning songs of my budgies probably irritate my chinchilla but I think she enjoys the little garden oasis that I am working on transforming that room. My greenery of goodness to share with all of my friends. We have micro-greens of plenty with a few cucumber sprouts just breaking through the dirt. I have embraced the land of organic beauty and have become obsessed with only putting those things that come from the Earth onto my face. Ha I know what you are thinking but I will be known for the BEST MASCARA EVER and the salsa plan is in full effect and put into place. I ain’t going to lie I want to be known for growing the finest Cannabis IN THE WORLD!! Imagine if I could pull that dream off it would come with the fame and fortune I have been working my whole life for and if you have been following around from the beginning I think I finally deserve!