Some people believe their presence in your space is their given right from God and when I think about the over bearing way they try to portray themselves to the world I just have to shrug and shake my head. My story is mine to share with those that I chose to and those who don’t want to keep on reading have the chance to block my words and move away. The light that I chose to share with the world will no longer carry the weight of those that are so hell bound and determined to hate. Hate on me as much as you like to but never again will you ever see me fall. I have been fueled by the blood of a strong line of ancestors that know I am coming for them one day but until then I will continue using my words. Those who can’t even formulate a sentence cast stones and shade my way. I won’t step the smoke from settling no more and I will no longer hold my breath until I am heard. My voice carries to those ears that matters most and my days are filled with the love that fills up each and every room. Sure not perfect by any means but it is all mine and there is no stopping what this family can do. You see a being who is oversharing her welcome, I see a being preaching sustainable living and giving back to Mother Earth. It is not just who you sleep with but for some that can be fun. It is finding you have had the key to unlock this crazy secret that so many forget about and fail to live out their lives. I feel no shame with the relationships I keep nor do I feel that way about the secrets I tell. One day one I am no longer here on Earth at least my words will keep on living that is it and one day will be all.
Honor those that have came before you like you are holding their last breath in between your lips and you can bring them to life one more time. Why don’t we live like that? When given the opportunity to do something so beautiful we would rather rip their hearts out and dance on their insides. I can’t tell you how many times my character has tried to been put into question. Like I have been more honest with you all since that day I finally died. Dying changes you. For 12 minutes I found myself on the other side. I remember the craziest details like scars on my Grandma’s fingertips and the way my Grandpa smelled. It was mainly my Grandmother’s presence that came to gather me as it is what warms my heart the most. I think who comes to greet us is whoever makes us feel most calm. Sure I talk about it a lot because I am trying to get you to open your eyes. Life isn’t what we are meant to believe I wish you could all just see that and finally be free. I wish I could be privy to walked we talked about but all I know for certain is she granted me one more shot. My blood pressure dipped just below and long enough for them to cut my son out. I am thankful for every moment above ground with my sweet angel and at times I know I have forgotten to feel so.
There is just something about knowing that we share this sweet existence in time together and I shudder to think anytime I thought otherwise and those ridiculous moments when I thought I could possibly pass it all up. I can’t pass any of it up! Every moment that we are alive in this moment makes me want to grip it and hold on for dear life. That the only moments that truly matter are those that we are awake and we get to share in each laughter and tear together and that is what makes living and this experience so great. When I became so focused on the anger I was taking away from me and him. That is now what I regret most of all, when I would turn and fight with his Dad. Maybe not in front of him but he definitely knew what was up. Imagine to a little tiny being thinking so she would rather fight with that guy then be with me. No more. Never again. The moments I spend away from him now or few and far between.
That leads us to the reestablishing of boundaries and how terrifying that possibility can be. He knows that there is time for play and then momma has to clean it is just something we all have to do to be healthy. Both physically and mentally we have to put in the work. What I love about all these social cues and games we have been practicing is his little brain is finally getting exhausted! Which means earlier bed times for both of us it seems lol I have to plan my days accordingly but it always seems like I am being pulled a part at the seams. Something has to give am I right? There is never enough time!! I still wouldn’t change this hectic life for a second even when it only gets calmer when I turn off the lights. What this time has taught me is time is short and life is fleeing and nothing is promised not even that we will be able to finish off today. What we think we have time for will become no longer and sometimes it is at the hands of another and that in itself is the ultimate sin and a matter a fact it has become a crime. What other people will chose to do to end another’s life is sickening so we truly have to shine our brightest and say what it is we are trying to say. I want to live a life that makes sense and if it only makes sense to me than I have succeeded. I am tired of spinning inside of a hamster wheel in the hopes that maybe one day I will be who I set out to be. But I can’t if I am stuck spinning in a circle with no desire to get off the pot and give my life that authentic shot. Who gives a damn about you when you stop caring not the one with the arms out waiting to put a knife in your back. Be weary of the kindness of strangers but not overly. You don’t want to push somebody away that you should have been running towards.
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