The Heart of the Rat

Love is what happens when nothing else matters except for that feeling that enters you whenever that person comes near. I mean that feeling is with you always but you need that physical presence of that being in order for you to finally feel. You could search your whole lifetime for something else that feels remotely good but it will continue to escape you. You can’t for what is meant for you no matter how fast in the other direction it is you decide to run. As long as I can still feel your existence in this realm of reality that we call life I will still hold onto this idea that you will make your way back to me. Unless of course you are already here than your presence in my life is more than enough. You can’t help a heart from always insisting though on finding on what could have been.

Some of us aren’t so lucky to marry those we met in high school. Some of us attracted every douche bag in a 100 mile vicinity and where I grew up they were coming at me from every which way. Of course they did for that matter it is how I portrayed myself to be. I was that alcoholic loser that thought I could be much happier this way. Sure I finished school and even got a Degree. What does that mean though to anybody when you have zero self esteem. You engage in reckless behavior and get tired of living by their lies. Well the life that they have laid out for us then wonder why none of us are living to our truest potential anymore. Isn’t that the irony of life? We work so hard making it so another being lives entitled so we can sit around marinating in another’s filth. At least that is what it feels like to me and I am left unmoved. Who am I to decipher from right and wrong? Just an entity of light trying to find my way home, unless of course life begins to feel good and I decide to stick around for a while more.

I just watched a mother poison her 5 year old son. It was caught on camera. Well indirectly. She carried her son off camera into a hospital bathroom and force fed him a salty elixir that would poison an adult. She suffered from a disorder that made her crave attention by making her healthy baby boy sick. He was born only to bring his mother some sort of sick satisfaction that she began to crave. She loved the attention she got from strangers that poured in whenever he became sick so she began poisoning him with salt as soon as his breathing began. Could you imagine? A twisted existence heightened by another’s angst heightened only by their pain. It happens. That desperate feeling that we may never be loved or even minimally accepted for all that we are. I would say all that we were but that no longer matters. All that truly matters is the here and now.

Just like so many I get preoccupied by all the things out there that are being said about me. Like I don’t talk to anybody no more but there is still the gossip that flies and all I can think about is God damn it feels so good to be right! At 37 never been married and always wanting a finally but all I had was 2 cats and not even a partner so no hope of having kids. What I love is all these that tried to be my life partner before my husband finally found me. He is the only one who is grounded enough to accept me for all my crazy. Sure I look good on the outside but on the inside I am a bat sh*t crazy. Well not entirely but I do speak my mind. What is the sense of being in this body of matter if we can’t live our lives our way and become to focused on all the ways we can fail cuz we can and we will. If we remain focused on it. I try to keep my emotions at a minimum I become to volatile when I allow too many of them to come into focus.

Emotions and feelings and all things in between only make sense to a few of us and they are far and few in between. It is rare to connect with a soul I feel is genuine. There existence in my timeline appearing more like a flicker if at all. I want to take only to the best to the top with me and I am no longer scared of what will happen if I fall cuz I won’t. I was built a little differently handed to me a life that I could only dream. There was a time when others would just laugh at me and excluded me but I knew my worth so I just gritted me teeth and gripped tighter to my dreams. I could tell right away who was going to be around for a lifetime and those who just appeared to have their fancies tickled and no more. Confidently speaking I am who I set out to be and was handed a life full of so much love and so much more. Imagine everything you closed your eyes and wished about was coming true right before your eyes. Scary to think that this is possible but I am experiencing it so I shun away everything else because of it. Scared that it might leave one day so you don’t want to embrace what it all could mean so you hesitate. Constantly in limbo in between but tonight I think I will shun that feeling away so I awake to something more enriched in its place. Something a little more forgiving less eye for an eye. I want a life that feels good like it was meant to be and not this constant rat race that we find ourselves in.

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