Eye on the Prize

I struggle with what it means to be human and I am having trouble identifying as such. My tears would wash me away if I allow them to as I struggle with my last breath to hold on. I fear that those that don’t understand me will in turn result in my own demise. The fear that resides deep within me threatens my sanity and I wonder exactly what it means to come alive.

Autistic and the Enlightened

I try to read as fast as I can and there is no more strength left in my body. My husband awoke just to yell and swear at me and I can’t stop the tears from falling. Nobody accepts me in this existence and my head pounds everyday from trying. Between the name calling and getting punched and hit by my son I think I am ready to admit to the Universe they won.

It’s a Lifestyle

I cry. Oh I cry. I cry at such a rate I bathe in salt just to stock back up. I don’t want to become too imbalanced of the science of being human especially when I just came back to experience what it means to be human one more time before I go again. Oh that day when I get to go back again I know it is nothing to be feared or put off. I cringe at what we do to prolong the inevitable especially when our minds have made up we are no longer one for this world.

Came To Work

. I used to beat myself up with this terribly nasty self talk and then light a light bulb it began to dawn on me. Don’t be so hard on myself and be thankful for all that there is. There is a reason that this is happening in this moment we just have to learn to relax a little and stop questioning things. It is so easy to do. At least easy fore. My mind is always thinking and low and behold I am waiting for it to be me. I don’t believe I am lucky not in the way that others think. I mean I work tirelessly hard to get to where I deserve to be here. I put in the work don’t you?

Socially Awkward

Mean girls are mean and ugly for a reason they get off on another’s misery and decay so I cut myself off like a gangrene arm knowing in time I may regret that decision. Bad people never change. Just the secrets that they keep so if I beat them to the punchline what can they possibly say about me? So I do. I just leave. With no more than a flick of the tongue and a block, ignore, delete. If somebody wants to walk out of your life give them a helping hand. Don’t give them a chance to sneak back in close or watch your life get increasingly out of hand. People get exposed for even the silliest things. Just remember to honor the lil voice inside of you instead of letting every evil monster in.

Silenced

Silenced. After a day of chaos trying to get a mi use so I can hear my inner child is driving me insane. Believing I have a partner in life who would actually like to succeed instead of driving me into an early grave. What I noticed about the meticulous way he dominants my daily life that I am incapable of having any sort of friends. I am weird. Chronically misunderstood and my mind is getting pushed to the limits and I am officially insane.

Wired for Life

Now even my abuse makes sense because it has made me see my world differently and adapt to it just like him. I see the world like my son does because the world became so cruel. I am alarmed by loud noises and the odd man entering the room. I notice everything and go on high alert every time my little neck hairs go on end. The truth of it all being I am even too scared these days to make friends. Why share a moment of weakness with a being that will use that weakness against you. I mean there is no good to come of an entity that is mastering that art form instead of focusing on what’s going on inside his own head. Those who cast stones in your direction should never be invited over to break bread. Now that makes it a lot more difficult when my nemesis is in fact my partner in life. At least it makes it easier to know that when my back is turned I know who is carrying the knife.

I Am Not A Lazy Mom

As I watch my son sleep I am adamant on one thing, I will never give up on trying to understand this fascinating little being. While some have these preconceived notions about me I can promise you there is only one fact. The fact that I am true on is honoring the energy inside that little being. If you see that as being lazy then you can get the f*ck out of here. Excuse my french but why are you here? If you aren’t coming at me with friendship in mind than that only leaves your intentions as being just one thing. Maybe more than one thing but facts will always be facts. The only reason why you are here right now is a heightened sense of interest to try and find out what the hell I could possibly mean.

Most Importantly, You

I don’t know what will be good for me and what will cause me even more pain. Trying not to compare myself to others and to just live my life. Be protective of my son somewhat and give him the tools so he is set up for success. They say that the best thing you can do is try to understand that the world looks different from their eyes. I always thought the world was a bit odd and different and wouldn’t it be nice if we saw the world the same. Now that I am beginning to open myself up to what it is his little mind is experiencing I think we have bonded even more. There is just something that comes from such a special little being when he thinks you are the most important person in his world

The Cover of Evil

We all don’t have to get along and like each other but we don’t have to be somebody who is prepared to do a cover up for one monster. At the time I felt I had no choice. In essence I never did. I always insisted on being kept out of the information circle. My heart would not be able to cover up so mean. Those people are no longer in my life and maybe I am too quick to judge. The thought is not everybody is meant for everybody so I will just gravitate towards those that fuel my soul. Not every does and not everybody will. Family will feel like strangers and when that happens you will think you failed. You don’t have to be around those just because you share the same proverbial blood. Be around those that lift you up the highest and want to see you succeed in life than continuously fail.