In This Life I Lead

In this life I lead people are constantly getting jealous. Wanting what anybody and everybody else has and will lead the most miserable life trying to obtain those things. Like a junkie chasing their next high it is never quite the same. There is nothing like your first high, I equate it to something similar as your first true love. Not just any love. The type of love that stops your thinking and causes every nerve ending to come alive. I imagined that feeling close to what heroin felt like. I knew that feeling of electrifying love and I am thankful all of my angels were watching to prevent that love story from coming into play.

In my life I am constantly putting myself out there even though it hurts to do so and I want to run away. I do so because I fear there is another being out there who suffered like I do and I won’t stop searching my lifetime to offer them some sort of relief. To be ridiculed and made fun of constantly and still want to try and rise up and help. That is where true beauty and strength begins, I believe, so I try not to care too much as I walk away. What is beginning to escape us from this timeline is how it is supposed to feel when one is loved.

We work are whole lives making another man rich. We believe if we keep on doing what they have always done then there will be benefits for me and you. How can there be any benefits when we are further on down the line. Unless you were the ones who came here first and made up the rules you would always be working your fingertips to the bone. Blood over everything to make it all just a waste. Then we have to go on and clean ourselves up and try to live a better day. How can one live better if we keep on living the same. I think that is what irritated me by my first 9 to 5 there was no way I was every going to be able to live comfortably. My version of comfortable. You know with a house, a walk in closet and 2 or 3 cars. I work so hard because somebody has to. How else are we going to change the world. Whatever is happening down here isn’t working, you have every ancestor turning over inside their graves.

And what was up with the Queen and Trudeau. Is this really the best time to meet? Why do we still care what it is that country is doing, they never cared a damn about you are me. Did she even issue a public statement about our Indigenous babies that were found underground? Why wouldn’t she be more public? Back then everybody reported to the Queen. Now we have a war so we no longer care what is happening on home soil. How can we care when we have a tyrannt who is ready to blow innocent families to smithereens, that is happening when two countries go to war. Maybe not before, back in the day it was hand to hand combat. Now if you get involved there is a nuke with your name and there is no escaping it. American POWs talked about the scene they saw when they stumbled upon the A-Bomb. How quickly we forget the last 70 years when we have TicTok and Instagram to entertain us.

In my life I try not to be too sensitive of the Troll of the world but can’t they just set out about there own business. I don’t want to be your friend if you don’t want to be mine just don’t ask for help EVER when you think the time is right. My goal is to weed out those individuals who aren’t who they say they are. The ones who are out to stab us in the back like Among Us and sabotage all the hard work we put in. I never understood jealousy because it is all available to you and me. We can live differently if we want to or we can just let everything be. How can we make a difference if we just allow everything to remain the same? That is what has always intrigued me, if you stand out or work different there is no hope that you will get paid. To live a different life takes a lot of courage. To have the guts to speak about it is a whole another story. At 13 when I was abused I was too shy too speak out. I wanted to disappear into the floorboards and I wanted nobody to ever look at me or hear my words. I gravitated towards those I shouldn’t have and became heartbroken when they cheated or lied. That drove me into a deeper, darker depression where I could hardly eat or breathe. So I literally ran away and never looked back. I knew there was something wrong with me and I was too ashamed to stick around and find out.

Maybe I am autistic, I have no idea. I know I am weird and emotional at times and there are other things that I probably should ask a Doctor about and find out. All these years I just thought it was from abuse. All these years I thought it was because I was just a difficult child and that is why I was always pushed to the side and left out. Everything that happened to me didn’t leave a window of opportunity for me to find much out. I learned very young not to trust those that you kept close. That if they found out the truth about you they would leave so why not beat them to the punchline and kick them out. So I did and still do, I rarely let anybody in or get too close. I am scared that they will use the worst about me and use my insecurities as ammo. My husband already does. I don’t need another being doing that too. I already live my days like I am drowning in quick sand but I will never get tired of hoping things will eventually work out.

In this life I lead it might be confusing to some but it is mine and I am trying to remain somewhat in control. My mantra is still to be the girl I was born to be before the rest of the world was hell bound and determined to take it all away.

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