I never knew what true insanity felt like until I became a mother and all gloves came off. It was the minute I awoke from being ripped open true shenanigans ensued.

Sure there is a certain shock that comes when you open your eyes to family members who couldn’t care less if you lived or died. That is what I came back to this world too. Eyes just staring at me wondering how it is I am still alive.

Rule number one. Never forgive those that make your tragedy into their silver lining. Using your demise so they can look good to the world. They pretend that they like you and even making fake groups to try and distribute false information. That is the reality that I returned to as a first time mother no doubt too.

Waking up after you leave this reality is like no other feeling I have ever experienced. It is like a story was being told to me all I had to do was absorb the pages and keep on turning.  My reality is that I had nothing to gain from coming back this time around. Fake friends and family in all of their abundance without a second thought or care in the world.

I don’t know why I returned to this world. It seems to be a proverbial punching bag. All the guilt and promises that friends and families made have now been reduced to rubble on the side of the road. I try so hard to fill my life with purpose in some sort of way. Fill my life with love in its abundance and try to give myself a break. Sure life makes no sense in the direction that we have all been going. There is no loyalty among thieves it seems and it hurts worse when there is an attack on the heart.

Forgiveness is for some but never will it be for me. Haven’t you learned your lesson from the Beauty and the Beast? The Beast wants to keep you contained in some sort of way. Make it so you feel inadequate and never use your voice to speak up and have your say. When the energy in the room is so adverse that it threatens to hold you down where do you go and what do you do? Who do you become when nobody cares to sing your praises or even cares that you existed on this timeline? What about those people who constantly use your weaknesses as ammunition to bring you to your knees so you start to decay. Beginning to question your whole entirety you begin to give up and look up towards the light. To be blinded by those you love is one thing but to be absorbed by all of eternity another. I am tired of those who take it for granted whether I am here or whether I am dead. You see them hanging out along the sidelines to interject their two cents just so that they can be heard.

What I gravitate towards in knowing is that once this is all said and over there will be nobody left to say goodbye. We are unsure of what happens after all this and you would think that this fact would keep us more in line. Incredulously with the lack of knowledge of impending doom we keep being obnoxious and blowing the roof off of every room. I want to remain somewhat quite and fade into the background. Of course that would be almost too impossible as I pride myself on being that positive energy in the room. What people have done to me came at a great cost. There are times when I drown myself with so much emotion that I think my time has come and I prepare myself for what is to come next but I am too scared.

In my earliest memories I never imagined a future like this. Sister who don’t talk to me. A Father who doesn’t care and a Mother I haven’t seen going on three years. The whole world shut down without even batting an eye. The deranged grew even more crazier as far as the eyes can see. What we take advantage of today will be gone tomorrow. Nothing is ever promised anymore except for death and taxes and even when you die they want to get paid one last time. The world only works to benefit one type of person. The type who gets off on walking on others and stabbing them in the back when it comes the time. Those people don’t care about the carnage they leave behind in their wake. They keep going till they get their fill then they desecrate on all of our graves. That is what is happening the more truth that we find out about other people’s life. There is no honour among thieves in the end and this land was stolen from the time their ships hit the shores. With little regard or respect for our Indigenous People they committed horrible acts of treason on Turtle Island with the ramifications of human lives still waiting to be paid.

Who are you and do you feel important? Now ask yourself what makes you more important than the being beside you, and beside them until there is nobody left.  Why oh why did we start valuing each other by our assets in the bank and our houses on nose hill? And only making phone calls when ones irate and not cuz ones care. That is the last time I spoke to my Dad in fact. Just heated words and the last f u goodbye. Everybody has something to say when times are good but turn quicker on a dime when the shoe fits they stiletto it. To each their own and we won’t live to tell our tale one day and I think that is by far the saddest thing after all.