You can make friends after 40 and it is not the nightmare that most people would want you to believe. You can still make a deep connection with another living being as long as you are willing to lay down your truths and authenticate your being. The reason why so many of us our not able to establish a deeper, soulful connection as we mature is because we became all the lies we began to believe. You know the ones. Your weight is more than a number it is your ID tag that defines you. Your outfits, if not immaculate, will always be ridiculed while on display. There are those that believe they are more entitled as they age, like a fine wine or cheese you will never forget the stench they leave as they go.
My hesitation to once again forge out into the world and try to explain why I am this why so to avoid being judge. Like a disclaimer with tide pods are even gum. There is always a better way to have something done. It takes courage to put yourself out there again after all the last times and the times before. I am happy for this era to be put behind me as I didn’t understand who or what it is they were so content on destroying other people for. All I wanted was to fit in but all I got was the ol heave ho. Lies in abundance and circulation to feed the next ego’s of the untamed beast.
How far will one go when they think they will get away with it all depends on what it is you want to fight for. I want to fight for REAL unconditional, acceptance and not this line of BS that most people will feed you. I guess that is what I got hanging out with the damaged and broken just like me. We were too damaged to be any benefit too each other so I gave up on trying to enjoy the ride. Unconditional acceptance should mean just that. I shouldn’t be thrown away because of my colored past but these girls want to have it that way. What sickens me the most is all the attention they drive for just to receive accolades. There are real damaged women out there who have been abused and it shouldn’t be sugar coated in any way or form. Rumours exist because of somebody else’s jealousy. You could believe all the lies that were said about me or you can come and get the truth directly from just me.
Friends over 40 is hard. Some just come around because of who you are and what you have done. They try to use smoke and mirror to try and get me out of hiding but I am the master and I will never buy into it. Beaten and raped at 13 then periodically again throughout the next 20 years by different people. That is the burden I carry from friendship to friendship. I feel the need to relive these experiences to defend my character. I am the way I am because I am a product of society. When the women that surround me became the very source of my pain I knew it was time to cut them off and hide. I get teased relentlessly for this but I will always stand my ground. I wasn’t born to be another’s punching bag or source of relief as they kick me in the stomach one more time laughing as they do so. How do you trust the intentions of those around you when all they do is laugh when your back is turned?
So how does one begin to trust other women after being let down by all the ones before. The tormented chants from when I was little to all the lies that they got off on sharing about me. I stand up for what I believe and believe a human being should be treated a certain way. No under handed source of contention as you you run like a hamster in a wheel to get your bills paid. I don’t have to. I don’t have to. That is what happens when you lead an honourable life. Sure there was a time when I was working 3 jobs to provide for myself now look at me now. Jealousy runs rich green and there is not a damn thing they can do. Their lies can never touch me now as I sit on top of snob hill. Calling people out should be the new law and way of being. That is why there are so many people on the outside. It is my life and if I don’t like how you are being get out. Get all the way out and don’t bother making your way back. I changed the locks from the inside and there is no getting back in once you have changed your mind.
In order to begin to make a real connection at any age you have to be ok with admitting all your truths. There is no sense carrying around so much baggage around “friends”. Friends are somebody who should make you feel better when you enter the room. They see your faults and they raise this human experience with their own. Real tears among real women is what I have been waiting for, for all these years. What I had done started almost a year ago and has been moving so slow. I found myself a mom’s group and for awhile I suffered from foot in mouth. What other friendships have taught me is to be scared of who you are. Other women won’t like you if they found out about you and worse they will use it like ammunition, a live round. I don’t want to be hurt no more. I am so tired of crying. If I disarm those with bad intentions will there be anybody around to hear me cry? I am so convinced that I am damaged beyond repair that it is so hard to keep putting myself constantly out there. This is who I am please love me and if you can’t love me can you just leave me alone?
I made a friend after 40, in fact I think I made a few. I was able to put aside all the reasons why others hate me and just decided to lead with honesty instead. This is who I am and this is what I do. I live an honourable life trying to give back to money and I am a hugger, I can’t just stop at one and we are lucky if I can stop at 2. I can’t remember the last time I had a conversation with anybody other than me. A real conversation where two hearts come together to try and stop the one that bleeds. To conversate in real time with a being sitting across from me who actually cares about who I am is so emotional to me. I can’t remember anybody asking about my life and it happened again to me last night. Two times now in a matter of a week. The whole world wanted me to give up and they wanted to take it all away. Waking back in this timeline I realized that I didn’t have much that was mine. Nobody understood me or even cared to know who I was. The only person who talked to me regularly was the Doctor assigned counsellor and I was too devasted at the time. It wouldn’t have matter. It is always the same. I think my needs for cognitive behaviour have exceeded me because I feel if anything I am living inside of a box. Do you feel this way when you do that then do it another way? I can’t keep on dissecting my entire life there has to be a time when we can finally relax and breathe.