I have never met a husband I haven’t liked. Truth be told I am always overly cordial to the men in my friends life because I know that with the husband’s “approval” there is very little chance that either one of you will ever see eye to eye. The unwritten rule about friendships is your significant other should have some sort of liking or a little bit of respect for those that are coming around. Right? A husband will lose sleep at night if they don’t approve of the flock that you are flying with but what happens when you don’t like the husband that is constantly leering at you from down below? Every time you begin to soar he tries to clip your wings so you can’t fly. In the moments of heated arguments I think, I sure can’t wait to leave this existence…is it finally my turn to die?
This man and his 30 minute bathroom breaks every hour would have gotten him fired back in the day. Cordially I tried to accept him for who he was. Dropping his drawers in the middle of the kitchen, garbage strewed from his fridge raid the night before, smoking cigarettes in the house when we are fast asleep…This is not the life I signed up for. Of course I wanted a family but I thought with having a family would come infinite protection and love and not ammunition for him to use long into the night.
I disarmed the world with my blog divulging my secrets for the rest of the world to see. Shame is a feeling for those who are uncertain of the energy that lays deeps within them but for me, I know the entity that I am destined to become. Sure I cry, I am still human after all, but I use that sorrow to drive me faster and further ahead. There were the days I would sit and cry until the sun crested over the mountain until eventually the moon began to rise, you know those days of helpless wonder and abandonment. Have we really done all that we have set out to do and will our eyes ever remain dry?
I tell my secrets to the world because then they can never get used against me. Once the words have left the lips of a hater I take a subliminal note and relieve a huge sigh. Hate is the one emotion I honour as gospel truth. It is the only emotion that we are able to have control over and it is very unlikely that one can ever contain. When people use words to hurt you they are a coward, only a true living entity would never want to hurt you in this way.
So what is it about my husband that has me walking on edge? It seems I have ignited the hate inside of him for me and it appears every thing I try to do is wrong and unwelcome. I waste too much time when all others are asleep trying to bring value to my life because I just can’t seem to give up. Relinquishing my career to be a homemaker I have taken pride but I am not a slave. I didn’t say I DO to become a servant I said I do to have a friend. Somebody who would always be in your corner to lend a hug or hand. Not this how can I destroy you this evening? You smiled to much and I just want to see if I can.
If I become a wreck then I can’t live in my best image and my best image is in the image of all the things that I have become. All the things that I have come to know on how to be falls flat when it comes to my husband. I could smile and be his friend but he is just counting down the minutes until he has something negative to say. My stomach gets in knots when he is around as I walk on egg shells too scared to make a peep or movement that will in turn set him off. The ultimate lie was that he had no intention of ever being my friend. I wanted to believe the lie so bad that being married and having a family would change everything. I try to be kind and courteous but he walks all over me. The lies have become second nature to him as he lies about EVERYTHING just so he can have his way. I don’t think he has cheated but at times I wish he would. I just need to move on from this rain cloud that is over me so I can finally stretch out my wings and sail.
My husband’s greatest insult is that you are such a terrible person that EVERYBODY HATES YOU! That’s nice! I like it that way. Keep all the haters away. I do what I do to expose other people just like him. At least I know I am authentic and honest and what you see is ALWAYS what you get. Yes he is right I have ZERO contact with much of my family, and I LOVE it that way!! I had one sister who showed up at my bedside to make sure that I was dying and the other one could care less if I am alive. So what? I know who they are and what they are about. I have reached my hand out in friendship more than once and got bitten should I keep on trying until there is nothing left? As far my Dad, zing, try again!!! Yes I cry about the man that he WAS but that was before I was even RAPED!! My relationship with my Dad changed at 13, I am now 43. He lied and made me believe if I killed my first born that I would always have my Dad. Ha!! My Dad and his new witch used that I had an abortion against me. What should I have known I was only a kid! What I learned from these two is that it is ok to be selfish and cut everybody off too. You have to honour who you are over and above anybody else. Use the fierce fire of furry to fuel you and extinguish the enemies from every room. My truth sets me free because it is mine and it is all I know. My husband, the one who vowed to love me, is my biggest enemy and now it all makes sense. I married a man in my Dad’s image what hope in hell did I have of being accepted and having a happy life.