Broken and Drained

This life is hard enough already without the opinion of those that don’t understand. The weighted opinion at that. Let me tell you how it was for me and how you are living your life wrong. Without walking a mile in my shoes you want to lower the boom on me and tell me how to raise a 4 year old the likes of his mind you don’t even know. The only truth I know short of a diagnosis is that my son is fabulously eccentric just like his mom and to listen to one that doesn’t even know me, now him I am sorry to say this but you need to take a walk.

I am broken and drained because there are so many people out there who just want to take their anger out on you without even trying to understand. These last 5 years have been Hell on Earth but I am still holding on regardless of what the Universe is trying to dish out at me. Isn’t it enough in a day to deal with my narcissistic husband, do I really have to add a complete stranger to the pot. Words hurt when used out of context and how for even a minute can you claim to understand OUR journey here on this Earth. One thing I know for certain is everybody is different and has different demands on what they need to be happy so I am trying to understand why you think you are the one to come in with your weighted opinion of not even knowing what’s up and who’s who. This is the reason why mom’s like me choose not to reach for the help that we need. Without even knowing our circumstances or even what we are going through you call me names to try and get your point across. People like you make me scared for my son’s future. What are we supposed to do with no resources and tools to help him reach his greatest potential ever in life?

My son is the most fascinating little being that in some way is way more advanced for his age. The way that he is able to sympathize and come to conclusions at times is way beyond even my reach. His memory reaches back to two years ago and I am amazed at all the little tidbits of information he spits out as facts. There are times though when he struggles and he balls up his hands into his little fists. He flies into a rage that can’t be controlled and he is incapable of even calming himself enough to come down for air. If you were a parent watching your child break down in this way wouldn’t you want to get him help so he can be all that he can be? I was told that I was cruel for thinking my son was Autistic and wanting a diagnosis. I was told I was being mean by trying to get him help. You think this is what I dreamed I would be doing with my son? You think that I like this idea that he will always be looking in from the outside if I don’t get him some sort of help? What is your solution? Let him grow up until he is 18 then let him go to the Doctor then? Does that even sound like what I loving mother would do? To make that accusation without even knowing me makes me regret any text message we have ever shared. The problem with people and their opinions is they are always right and I am the one who is always wrong. But guess what? You are right. I have no idea what I am doing but at least I am honest with my truth in that.

As a mother I need to protect my son but it breaks my heart the opinions that other people will have. Did I do this to my son somehow? I don’t know? Does it matter? Not now there is nothing I can change what has happened in the past so I look to a brighter future for both of us. I never want to abandon him or make him feel different in anyways. I know what being abandoned feels like too. That is what makes this so hard. I told my younger sister that my son was showing signs of Autism and I never heard from her again. My older sister is too cool to reach out a hand even though she has experienced this long drawn out obstacle before with her oldest. And then there is my husband. Why is this my life? Honestly. If a stranger thinks they can derail my mentality and what I need to do has a mom I think they are sadly mistaken. I am in auto pilot. Always have been since I returned to Earth to protect my baby after he came ripping and screaming out of the womb. I want to care more about the opinion of others but it seems these days all they care to do is destroy. Being a part of my life is not an experience that every one can have. I am cautious to those that like to use their venom to get their point across. In all seriousness does it kill to be nice?

People make it difficult to want to share because all they focus on is there truth. There is no other way to get from point A to point B just their way or the highway but we all know that is not true. There are hundreds of ways to get to where you are going all that is asked of you is you try not to harm others when you find yourself on the same road. Some people maybe casual with their intentions but others maybe lost with no idea or clue where to go. Wouldn’t it make sense to be kind instead of Texas Chainsaw Massacre their *ss? That is what other’s people’s opinions feel like when they have NO IDEA about your life. The words they use to try to enlighten come across as a blood bath with nobody surviving that condescending undertow.

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