In Some Sort of Way

Did you ever stop and think how did this even happen and how did I even get here? As I hurled a blue slurpee at my husbands head last night I just had enough of his condescending attitude. Every thought out word he tries to breath misses its mark but ignites the rage inside of me. What husband is content in making their significant partner react? I missed though. All that I made was a huge mess to clean up.

It wasn’t enough that he got to go out last night to the hockey game even though I was sick nd feeling under the weather. Every nerve ending was on fire and I couldn’t keep anything down. It wasn’t COVID, thankfully, but I still felt like crap. No sympathy from my partner in life just “I knew you would pull this crap” as he let loose in a tantrum and rage. It seems all I hear these days is how much I am hated and how much of a loser I am. That anything that this family is failing at was brought on by me and the heart is a disaster because it was made so by me. Nah. With everything going on around me these days I just want him to go away. To constantly hear these lies and what everybody thinks about me would damage even the strongest of hearts. Everyday is a new day to be insulting and it is hard enough to keep on desiring to come up for air.

The joining of matrimony is not for the faint of heart. We were brought together by the little bean growing inside of me that came to me out of all his lies. The level of betrayal that resulted from this one very specific moment curdles my insides. He doesn’t understand what he has done or how this can be perceived as hurtful to me. He is so cruel with his words and his intentions that I constantly feel steam rolled over and unsure even what to do. Every time I awake in the middle of the night he is engaged in these lives with all these Instagram Trolls. He makes fun of me when I try to connect with the outside world but now it is ok for him to do the same? This to me is infuriating. The double standards he always likes to apply. One minute he is calm, cool and collected then the next he is coming “unc*nted, his words not mine. Last night I finally stooped down to his level. Hurling family insults like I believed the words coming out of my mouth. He does it so why can’t I? Because the feelings afterwards suck. Because you become more like him the more anger that you let escape. That is the fear. The longer I allow myself to be a part of this the more real it will be that I will lose all that is me.

What life doesn’t prepare you for is the people that will make it into your life and you will have no idea why. I can’t explain the chain of events that brought me and my husband together. All I know for certain is we are both content in our ways. The grass is not greener on the other side because there are so many variable we put in place to keep it that way. I can complain all day about all the things he does but is that fair? He feels the same way about me. He hates me now. Of course he does. What other feeling could he possibly feel after all these years about me. We don’t get along. We are on opposite ends of the road. To see eye to eye at this point in our lives would be a near impossible things. Too many hurtful words have been spoken for me to ever let my guard down with him and be ok.

In a world so volatile what hope do we have of ever learning to trust. I let my anger get the best of me last night and for that I feel ashamed. It is hard to constantly exercise decorum when you are the ogre present in every room. That is how I am made to feel when every eye in the room turns to look at me. Yes I am different. I was born different in a time where not too many people could even hope to understand. What I was made to endure during a time when I didn’t have many friends (still don’t) was heart wrenching. All my fears and insecurities I covered up deep because I was told these feeling were worthless and that nobody would ever understand. What I wanted way back then was to be held and to be loved. I wanted somebody to promise to keep the bad man away and show up every single day. I was scared of being abandoned. Worse yet I never wanted to be alone. I would rather be with an entity that didn’t love me then try again in the world all alone. In this thinking I am far from right.

To be hated is one thing but to find true love entirely another. What if love is supposed to be something that is meant to escape me? Maybe all those years ago when I was just a child I was presented with a life that could have turned out great but I declined and ran the other way. Why would I do that? Maybe it was out of guilt? Out of fear that being happy would mean I would dishonour my beginning in some sort of way. Hence why I believe that we should honour every being whose feet has hit the soil and stop being condescending to those who appear a wee bit different then those or those beings we try so hard to never understand.

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