Becoming Collateral Damage

What so many people fail to understand is living on the streets is tough. Well being a part of it. I was never “homeless” per se. I mean we squatted for a couple months before EI kicked in and we were able to find a super cheap basement suite to lay our mattress on the floor. See I was always attracted to the bad guys. My recent conquest just got out of jail. Actually in order to flee one *sshole I ran right into the arms of another. I was that kind of girl back then if you know what being that kind of girl could possibly mean.

I wore my heart on my sleeve and saw the best in EVERYBODY. I could never believe all that one person could possibly engage themselves in. Can humans really be that obnoxious and that terribly naïve. You know the kind. Together we were just the right combination of loser. Slanging just enough drugs to get by. When times were tough we just allowed ourselves to get comfortable on rock bottom. There was so much shame in my game but the clock kept ticking so how was I supposed to know. Even feel. How was I supposed to feel after doing EVERYTHING society threw onto me they still chewed on my remains and then spit me out. All jokes aside. Nah. My life was a joke. I threw everything away for morals and principles and look where that got me back then.

If there was a LOSER in a 500 mile radius I believed I could save them. Compassion should only be for the strong and not the faint or weak at heart hence why my story began to play on replay. Are you a washed up loser looking for love then so am I. If I think about the trash I dabbled in I should have lite that dumpster on fire. You have to be able to look at the world differently before you can get anything different out of the world. Running in circles doing what you have always done only works when you are investing in your life somehow and that is a matter of fact. The things I do on the regular are beneficial to my health. Informative beauty videos on my YouTube channel. In fact I would love it if you could go and check it out.

What is wrong with the world is something I always knew. We are too selfish in each other’s demise to clearly try to understand and see things through. There are some routine tasks that make sense and others just make me roll my eyes. If you aren’t paving a life that is a wee bit different than others what chance do you have to be remembered and what for? We only have one kick at the can to seize each day. That is why I live and look so different. I could give a damn Dahlings what the haters and trolls may say. You are either in or you are out but I have no time for games or second guesses. A falter is a falter in your belief and you waivered in that way for a reason.

So I lived that life. I have been beaten, raped, lied to, stolen from and even an attempt at my life by a so called friend. Ya I remember that morning like it was yesterday and there is no hope in hell that I will ever be her friend again. Sure I am civil because in life you have to be. There is no reason to be obnoxious or rude just smile and node your head and skip away. I would say to run but like I said let’s not be rude. Just because we are the modern era we can still be civil not just when we are in the mood. Who has time for drama these days as it is every which way. I focus on what I need to do with the tasks at hand and forget about what all the haters may say. It doesn’t matter if that is how they want to live there life. Noses brown the color of their obnoxious backsides would it kill them to be nice some times and lend a hand. Not just to clap and fake cheer each other on. I crave a real, authentic connection and not something so trivial that it isn’t me.

What you see is not always what you get but sometimes in life it is something that is felt. What I saw on the streets was horrifying and everybody stole and lied to each other to try and make it better for themselves somehow. They would get jumped and robbed like it was no big deal. Some would be missing for days and weeks and then there were those that you would never see from again. For a period of my life I saw these people everyday. They were my friends, my acquaintances because who else would talk to me living this way. I guess that is why I am hesitant to connect with anybody again. Do you know what it feels like to be looked down on because of your circumstances? Collateral damage on this road called life. I was once a little girl with sisters and a Dad and Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and even Grandparents now time has taken all of those things away. Some have moved on to a greater existence and others hate me because of my past and I have to accept that and be ok.

To define somebody by who they were is like assuming one can never change and if that is true what are we doing here and why would one even begin to try? I hate when people try to infuriate me by using my truths as their weapons. You forget that I already lived that life and hold no shame in the stones I had to step on to get here. Loyalty, respect, faith and determination what hope do you have to believe in anything else when your whole life all you have been is collateral damage?

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