Dying to Fit In

The truth be that if you are confident enough in your life that you move through it without hesitation or looking back the trolls will come at you from every which way. There are those that hate the confidence that exudes from a being that is so in control and there are those that can’t but gravitate towards a being that behaves themselves in such a way. I am merely here to entertain those that are incapable of understanding whom I am to dull my light instead of letting it shine.

I am shyer than shy. I think that is why I let so many people in my past steam roll all over me. All I wanted was to be liked so I would listen to their horrid stories that they would share among each other ridiculing and insulting those that were just a little bit different then them. K. Reality is those beings were a lot different then them. Back then (maybe now) they regarded your worth as a human being by the number that appeared on the scale. That was my first exposure to a time frame that I loved. What I thought would be more encompassing became a matter of fact. Clubs were formed to further isolate those that were a little different and it broke my heart the longer I used forced to watch.

Online communities were no different. In fact they began charging a fee to say that you belonged. Give me your money so I can get ahead and you still live in squalor and begone. My journey into self was something I was thrown into. It was very painful. A severing of my wrists just to watch me bleed. They had no idea I was confident because I had to be. I was tossed out into the gutter left to die. When that kind of traumatic event keeps happening you start to scorn the Universe and demand to know why. Why is my life like this so unlike all the others. Learning to trust is so hard and when I finally do it’s a slit across the throat as they show their true colours light up the night sky. The sea of red has their putrid soul infects anybody who will turn to listen, I learned my lesson. More than once. Those type of beings need to be called out. The blood spilled of those who have been forced to follow in hot pursuit or meet a similar end make it obvious of what I have to do.

So since I was a little girl I dulled my shine. I didn’t want to sparkle or stand out of fear of what others would say about me. I let them take away all those things that made me unique and made it so I would always try to chase my dreams. My hopes and dreams all collided when I became. The call up to the heavens can do that to you. Just like my Grandmother and all my Grandmother’s before that down the ancestral line embraced being a woman. They tended to the farms and celebrated their men and they were the firm anchor to every family circle. When my Grandmother passed on we lost that anchor somewhat. And I know what you are thinking don’t I think I live to some extreme? Hellz yes I do and I will tell you why. When I was raped when I was 13 I was told it was of because of what I wore. I grew up loving Kurt Cobain. I was all flannel shirt and ripped, acid wash jeans.

Sure. Yes my sense of style evolved as I began to age but not so much that would deem a sexual assault like even my teachers would say. Then I gained weight to which my counsellor told me was a good thing to do. You would never have to worry about being assaulted again because assaulting you would be too much work. Every insult that was ever thrown my way or any time somebody told me that the way somebody treated me was based on directly how I looked it enrages me. The fact that I am a compassionate, empath that not only wants to get to the truth should be used against me. Some people treat you like the biggest pile of dog sh*t when they find out how broken you are at the expense at another. I have heard it all used against me and I have heard words used against others too. I am tired. I am tired of good people constantly getting hurt by those who behave like venomous snakes. My reward comes in the life that I live and not so much in the battle that comes when I am dying to fit in.

So I let them rob me of my smile. Like the executioner’s they were they eagerly lead me to their noose. They wanted me to hang for all to see and not be my friend like they have always exclaimed. The truth will set you free and therefore so I will. I have had no shame in my game when it comes to how other people treat me with their filth. I don’t need to be sorry for the woman that is me. I live in the women that graced this land before me so why should I be ashamed for embracing all that is me. I am in control of my existence in this space and time and I can’t wait to reap all the rewards and benefits that are mine. When I thought I need to be accepted by others it was a game that I could never win. If I would have kept on that road that I was living I would have gone insane. Nobody needs to run so far in the opposite direction to become something that they are incapable of knowing first hand. It doesn’t make sense. How can the Universe reward you for going the right way when they have no idea where or how to find you? I just want to me at the end of each night. I don’t care who accepts me and I could care less anymore who is wrong or who is right.

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