Owning Oneself

I would rather have a man lie and cheat on me with a female than lie and cheat on me with the demons in their own head. Take my husband’s best friend for example. He can’t keep his d in his pants but his girlfriend thinks he is on the straight an arrow. I would rather have a man I can trap in his lies than the ones that are fabricated and make no sense.

Since the day I said I do I wish that I didn’t. He had already lied to me and told me that he could never get a woman pregnant. I should have listened to myself then and ran for the hills but I wanted the chance at a family…what a devilish web that has been weaved. For as long as I can remember he has been telling me lies. The simplest being that he would quit smoking even though he had no plans on doing that either. For months I would watch him hide behind his car and smoke. I just didn’t want to be a single mom. I felt like way too much of a loser to even be one.

My whole life I have been cast aside and left to stew in my own filth. Just trying to be content on being different I was being made fun of for being left out. Even my husband rolls his eyes at me as he calls me lazy or his very latest insult a moron. I try not to pay attention to him as I go on with my day but wouldn’t you know he is able to find me in any room. I try to imagine a marriage where one is appreciated but I am curious does an intimacy like that even exist anymore?

I haven’t received a full paycheque in over 5 years because somehow being a mother became more important. It wasn’t that I suddenly became incapable of work it’s just that when you almost lose your lives like we did you learn to value every second that you have. I thought I was needed at home. I guess I was needed to become a proverbial punching bag. A source for all my husband’s insults to land instead of falling onto my son. When I ask my husband why he is so quick to anger and why it appears he hates me he always claims that he does not. I disagree. I will always disagree. I fully maintain that if you like and respect somebody that you would NEVER be able to treat them like that. EVERY insult he has hurled my way has left it’s mark. I am merely a shell of the woman he first met and I think he gets off on knowing he affected me in this way.

Take my existence here on this Earth. I have no idea why I am still here or how I am ever going to make this work. Crying everyday isn’t the solution but what else can I do or say? I have never been forced to feel this on the day to day and now I am financially ruined and need help. I cast away anybody who has ever laughed at me or kicked dirt in my face. Why do I need you around to keep doing all that. I don’t need it. I have enough on my own why would I worry if I need to be thinking about you too. With enough knives in back I am better off alone. Who has time for this daily grind and struggle when there is truly so much to do.

In a swoop of a day so much bad energy has found me. A knock from the past shattered my childhood figurines and the presence of death has taken one or two of my plants. To see the life sucked out of them in the same way that I felt I knew I was in trouble. I knew there was impending doom. When you are in touch of your feelings and senses as I am there is a time to panic and a time to let the energy by felt from room to room. Something is coming and it is colder than ice. It will freeze the hardest hearts when it comes and it will make all those suffer even more too. I can’t tell you what it is or even what it could be. All I know it is here and I am not ready so what is a girl in this position supposed to do?

Why did you disrupt the timeline in the manner that you did then ran away before even paying the price? There is always a price to pay didn’t you know? So I paid it and I will have no qualms about choosing to do so again. I know who I am and what a breathe for. There is no entity of being out their that can ever sway me or make me lose all control. Well never to that extent again and not in the way they need me to be. I think I have evolved more as a person to continue believing all that.

The day before all this began to happen my one dog went berserk barking for no reason and charging the door like a psychopath even though there was nobody behind the door or even walking by. Now I am forced to live my life very different. Even larger than before with a no holds back. If evil is on it’s way and it’s going to make a mockery out of me then I best remained focused and not have a heart attack. It is more than just a husband who is irritated by my presence this is a blast from my past that wants to be acknowledged.

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