My biggest fear is not to be seen from or even heard. My biggest fear is to live a life devoid of all passion and that just aggravates my nerves. My marriage is void of all human contact and intimacy, the only time we talk to each other is to become unglued.
Every day is a knew obstacle where I am unsure of what is going to set him off. Once he starts to show signs of irritation my guard goes up and my annoyance goes straight through the rough. Ever here the same insults over and over again that replay like a record inside of your head. I do. From the moment he gets up I know he will have something to say. Usually I am still broken from all that has happened the night before. It usually starts because what I like to do in a day makes absolutely no sense. He tells me it doesn’t bring in as much money as he does so I should just conform and do what a wife is supposed to do. Clean the house, included the drawers he has dropped in the middle of the floor or my extreme favourite his smoking toilet on the main floor. I quit that dirty habit almost 6 years ago now you want to throw it in my face? I draw the line at cleaning your thrown, I think you are out of line when you keep thinking it is something that I should do.
What I did yesterday is I packed up my whole house. I have lived from a storage locker before in my life and I am not afraid to do it once again. I just packed up what I could in the few short hours that I had. I ripped all our family pictures from the wall because those lies just keep taunting me and filling me with so much rage. What my partner in life needs to understand is that it will NEVER, EVER be about the money. I lived dirt before working 3 jobs at one time and I can manage to do the same if I had to. I quit my career out of the grand idea that I got to be a housewife and mom. I sold myself to the devil the day I made the phone call and every day my essence has paid the ultimate price.
For the last two years when this pandemic was really ramping up all I heard was how ridiculous I was for all the time I wasted dressing up. It takes maybe 10 minutes to put on a face. Maybe the same to roll up my hair. And when it comes to finding an outfit…well my closet looks like a natural disaster, well not no more I packed it all up. The relief that ran over me as I put all my life into those bags. When he saw me taking the pictures off the wall he took my autograph picture and smashed it, in front of our son I might add. He claimed in the end it was ok because the picture was undamaged underneath. I threw it out. Whatever you think you have over me I don’t need. You want to tie me to a picture that was from a happier time in my life, ya you were right in your thinking throw it out. Throw it all out that ties me to you. Your intentions were less than honourable this whole time and now I am left scrambling, worried what to do.
This man things I can forget 5 years worth of insults and 5 years worth of neglect. He thinks because he “allows” me to purchase Color Street that that should make up for all that he has done. His $20 a smoking habit is never brought into question. I quit smoking so I can have nice things now that time in my life is like a noose over my head. I can’t get close to my partner because he smells like an ashtray. This is the first lied he told me that would have made me run but by then the damage had already landed. I can’t tell you who preyed on who but what I can tell you that this is never going to work. Whatever is boiling up inside of us originally wasn’t personal but if we keep it up it will end up that way. The only reason why it works is because we are too lazy and uncaring to find anybody else. I guess in the end we aren’t wired just for sex so in the end we just both focus on our individual success. Until the other gets in our way then it is game on. I never thought I would constantly be running from a TKO battle but here we are waiting to see who can deliver the final blow.
What I love about this opportunity that I find myself in is the ability to find like minded individuals and beings. Social media makes it easy in some senses but it also can be damaging to the very thin skinned. To believe the portrayl of others as they try to take you down, I live in and among beings who think they are more than worthy to steal from the light that you are always trying to put out. To live life a little differently and to always be honest and speak your truth. I am not scared of what can be done to me but more what I am capable of and I will surround me with the strongest until my voice is heard. I keep trying and throwing all the sh*t hoping that one day something will eventually stick. And some times something does in an indirect way but more often than not it is saved up for another day. One day will come where this will all be forgotten and I will be taken away. Have I done all that I have set out to do or in life will I always be determined to remain calm and simply find another way.