Is it industry standards or personal misgivings that encourage people to think they can get away acting that way?
The people who get off in misrepresenting themselves are the same people who can’t even look themselves in the eye. They would rather lie until they get caught then try to pass it off onto the next guy. That standard of poor human misconduct is what is making me dig my heels in and say no more. Real people are who they are no matter who is in the room or who they become when they turn off the lights. I am ALWAYS the same. I play with a no holds barred mentality. I LOVE the people who say they are going to get me with slander but the truth is slander would be me telling a lie and so far when it has really counted I have not. We have all told this superficial lies of what we are wearing or if we brushed or hair today or the one I tell people the most is that I am doing ok. I would never tell a lie with the intent to hurt another. My lies are to keep others at arms length away.
Since this pandemic started I had a tepid foot into the canna community because I watched my “real” friends begin to drop like flies. With every medicated inhale I took to appease my anxiety and mental mind I was being shunned. Shunned by their fake industry standards as they found a new way to break my heart and make me want to cry. I don’t want to die no more. I easily could have said that rhyme. There is no greater satisfaction then getting under the bad man’s skin and become that festering itch. Start trying to please the masses and light that fire up and make your own heart sing. Those that are hating on you are already sinning anyways…remember to love on they neighbour smoke a blunt with them a get high and think about life and let the days magically slip away. Growing vegetables contemplating life. Becoming self sufficient and sustainable I couldn’t imagine a better’s life purpose or why.
So I struggle with my identity. CORRECTION!! I used to struggle with it. Because I love to dress up on the regular with the hair and make-up in a dress and stocking I MUST be a Pin-up. How can I identify with a culture where so many of them jump ship when a situation doesn’t seem to fit. I have heard so much damaging and hyper critical word and standards that I cringe to think that I was even a part of. I miss that chance to be a role model to my community though but if my community isn’t the car show scene then where could I possibly fit in?
I am spiritual and holistic and want to help others live and reach their best life. Not to be judged and ridiculed and be made to be felt the fool. I know those feelings all too well and make a habit of keeping those who harbour those characteristics at bay. I already know what it feels like to be surrounded by nothing and now that I have something worth holding onto should I just throw it all away? No! You recreate the standards that others have grown content with. Keep living up to that higher standard of living and know that eventually good always wins. It is so much more than all the materialistic things you hold in front of you. When the Universe is ready it will reward you with a fierce energy that nobody could ever ignore or shoo away. Do onto others as you would wish that they would do onto you and when they keep biting the hand that tries to feed them know it is ok to turn and walk away. I never stay anymore where I am no longer wanted. I have way to much going on in this moment to sit around and waste.
You know what happens when somebody gets shunned from a community that they love? Especially when they needed their support the most? They have no choice but to dig deep inside of them and let that child they kept locked up outside to play. The roller coast of emotions that I have experienced over the last two years was something short of traumatic. All the demons coming out to wreck havoc on my mind all while I was trying to stop the world from spinning became insane so I smoked more. I looked to more traditional methods of healing as the scars from my past were never going to go away. You couldn’t expect to take pills your whole life and ever feel ok. You can’t. Once what you were keeping numb becomes active in your brain get ready for them to keep wrecking havoc until you finally succumb to their demands and play. I just don’t give in. Not anymore. I am who I am so I don’t fear no more when you come at me. I don’t change my mind like you change who sits at your table once you are my ride and die there is nothing that I won’t do to keep your energy spit firing and alive.
Loyalty ain’t a thing no more and why does it have to be? We all come alive on a keyboard hiding the truth from all others and getting used to our filth and our lies. Not me. I can’t live like that. I am going to run fiercely in the direction that is super loving and supporting without taking a glimpse in my review as I run by. The older we get the less of a chance we have to get it right so why keep those close to us who are just waiting for us to fail and meet our demise?