Losing Life’s Meaning

My heart hurts. Of course it would. Life tends to lose all meaning as quick as it suddenly does. We all want to find our place in this timeline before we take our last breath. Everybody wants to be a gangster but do they have what it takes to keep their mouths fed? To put food on their table and do what needs to be done before they end up dead. Think about it. Do you have what it takes to ensure your own legacy therefore cementing your lifeline? The idea that one becomes reborn gets lost when they have no children. How can you cross lines to become an entity you never were meant to be? It’s obvious why so many family ties come to an end where other entities just keep going.

I think about my own internal clock and how loud it appears to be ticking. My chances to get to know my daughter are slipping through my fingers. All things considering it ends with my husband. I can’t imagine bringing another child into this world with this man. To give him another reason to be even more condescending,  I don’t think so. Well I don’t think so. How can one close the door on something that they always believe. To chose my maternal future over an incessant tick of the clock I dunno. I am running out of time. I am getting too old but if what I say is true then everybody wants a chance to be a gangster. What would be more gangster than preserving my next in line? Finding her first? Why is this my life?

It would be easier if I was loved but in the absence of true intimacy I think that I am borderline going insane. Don’t we all? The curse of being trapped inside a human body te best we can hope for is living an honorable life. I would say beautiful but that is all circumstantial. Beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, at least it should don’t you think?

Just like there is no loyalty among thieves. Never trust those who have already proven they can’t be trusted. Why would you go in a direction where another being has already got played? It has never made sense to me. How much abuse one will endure in the hopes for a greater gain? That answer is easy. A human believes that the potential for fame and fortune far outweighs anything else that they may require or need. It’s true. Look around. You may not know it but you are being scrutinized every which way. Eyes rolling and the snickering through pursed lips, it will happen. They always do. Those beings that think they are better than every being just sitting around eating bon bons on the couch.

Keep your eye on the prize which could only mean yourself. Live in your best image and forget about everybody else. Why invest so much energy into outside beings when the most important being you will ever know, incredibly, is quite simply just yourself. Not just because you are worth it because you were born to succeed. You need to believe that. One person can, will and has changed the world, tell me once again why we would desire to be anything else? Because somebody else who was brave enough to believe tried to brain wash you and everybody else. They believed because that is what they were told to do. Made to believe and help fund another beings dreams. Pretty ridiculous don’t you think. Break your back while the other person doesn’t even break a sweat. We see it all the time. It’s engrained in everything we do. We can only believe the ideologies that have forever been handed down onto us how else can we be brave enough to believe in any another way?

Loyal as you have to be most will try to get away with all that they can. Why wouldn’t they? This is who we have conditioned ourselves to be. Always looking out for number one who has time for number 2? Unless it leaves you sitting on top of porcelain , what is one to do? Life loses all meaning when you take that proverbial sh*t. When friends become foes what is one to do? Find strength among loyalty and longevity that only comes with age? There will never be loyalty among thieves just like there will always be love lost. The greatest sin when it comes to being human is seeing differences in between us when there is none or fabricating the truth so you get a version that you see fits. That mitigates your needs for the time being I have never met a shark that I have yet to like.

Yes of course it is a luxury to age but what about all the things that getting old takes away? If you are a woman the first thing to go is your ability to have children then when you aren’t looking our looks get taken away. We get ridiculed and bugged for all the things we  are not then what hope do we have for believing anybody or anything else. Who we believe ourselves to be is worth way more than anything else. It will keep us going long after the haters blew out our flame out. This I know more than anything. I could have faded away long ago into the night but I dug my 5 inch stilletos in to try and make things right. I want every being to know that living in your best image will always be OK. That sometimes it takes a lot of work to find those worthy of your being and like Lucky Luciano you will rise to live another day.

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