Yesterday my mind broke. Fragmented into a million pieces. I couldn’t keep up with the tirade that is my life no more. Everyday is an opportunity for a new insult so I chose to do nothing as I could take no more.
Words hurt immensely. Especially when those behind the venom are trying to even the proverbial score. The greatest insult to me clones when those who are supposed to be protect you ridicule and laugh at you some more. I always feel like the odd man out, wasting time and doing nothing. If I believe everything you dish out my way I would believe I am nothing. I would hate myself as much as you hate me. Yesterday I started too. There is only so much one being can take.
It’s been 4 years since I saw my mom. My last alive confidante here on Earth. I will trust nobody no more with the secrets that reside inside of me. It’s in sharing those secrets that I become weak. I allow my insecurities to run wild in my mind. There is no way to decipher from what is right and what is wrong no more. My mind is burning out and it all starts with this familiar air of negativity that I can no longer handle as I begin to lose my mind.
It usually begins with the husband letting me know all the ways I failed the day before insulting the things I do that bring me a little bit of joy. One person can only take so much, especially when your profiles are so public like mine. On top of the Trolls and Haters letting you know how pathetic your attempts are at communicating with the outside world I have my husband saying the same words too. It hurts. It hurts so much I can’t even keep up. The human mind and body can only take so much. And just like most humans when over capacity, my mind went into over drive.
In my house nobody rarely visits, even though my in-laws live minutes away. We have been here since he was only months old and the dreams of this great family life began to disappear. No visits, no family dinners, no days out at the park just me and my boy day in and day out. We live in among chaos and I am borderline going insane. There is not enough pills in the world to stop my brain from fissioning in this way. We all need something to hold onto before we finally begin to slip away.
Nothing in my life prepared me for this moment. The moment in my life when I stare into his eyes and wonder if life would be better for him if I just gave him away. I could return to being a loser. That is something I have perfected long ago. I can give up these ideas that my story may mean something to somebody and I can succumb to life in the most modern of ways. Delete this social personna that runs rampant in the background and fade away into the background. In my mind I can no longer protect my son from this life that is happening around me. He deserves so much love and so much more than what we have been giving him. He deserves Aunts and Uncles who want to spend time with him and weekly family dinners too. What we have here is so much negative energy that I am fearful for if he grows up here.
As my mind began to reach its breaking point all I could think about was what could his life be like if we could just give him away. Not to just anybody but to a family that will show him unconditional love. I needed to know that I loved him so much that I could not keep on watching his life going this way. For such a special boy it seems like everybody treats him like an after thought. What if he could find a family that would love him the way the he was born to be loved? What I am being told is that I am not good enough and my best is always wrong. I need him to grow up in a world of infamous love.
I know that sending him out among strangers isn’t the way to go. I guess that means it’s time for me to buck up and make it so. Stop playing around and get a job. Save up some money and make his life better focusing on all the ways that we can grow together and be loved. Sure it’s the hardest battle but so is finding love. We search the ends of the Earth just looking and then there is my love right here. He was what the angels gave to me after 40 years of tirelessly searching and hoping to be loved. He was finally here. I guess that’s why as humans we are never happy. We always want life to mean more, to feel better I am not strong by any means but I have learned to hold on. Where others call me crazy and want to deem me as being insane I just want to give my son a fighting chance starting with a family where he is loved.
To each there own. There must be a better way? All I want is a life that doesn’t hurt in every which way. Getting yelled at from everybody I just want to vanish into thin air. This is not the life that I dreamed about when I was a kid but I do know what it feels like when a parent stops loving you. I have never stopped loving my son I am just desperate for him to have a better life. He deserves so much love. So much happiness. When I am surrounded by so much negativity all I am trying to do is survive.