The true definition of insanity is doing the same damn things over and over again with little or no inkling to ever change. I don’t live that life or at least I try to not live that life it is the lack of support around me that makes me live out my days this way.
I realize that this is what makes me human and I am not sure how much more I can take but I will. I will keep on trying to make a difference in my life and into the next. I wonder how this all started and if I will return to a place that will one day all make sense. I want it to and even if it doesn’t I will still rise again until the one day that I physically can’t. I hope that you will too. Even in our most depressed state we are worthy and yes that means I am talking about you.
Some of the last conversations I have had have been the greatest. They have been an eye opener to my soul. To hear the struggling words and desperate thoughts escape from the lips that I once knew break my heart. These are people that were at the top of my class, at least in popularity everybody knew their name. I feel sad in knowing that in their final days they lived so broken hoping for the best but it will forever be out of their control
You tell me my aging mother can’t possibly see because she never visits. You forget right before the pandemic hit she was in a car accident and then she ended up going blind. She has been waiting for 2 plus years to get surgery and I know it kills her that I can no longer text her pictures that she can see. Imagine driving a 7 plus hour trip when you can’t even see!! What the f is wrong with this man who will say everything under the sun to hurt me. You want to tell me to die and tell my son that his mom’s side of the family doesn’t even care if he is alive, well I can say the same damn thing about yours and yours is only minutes away. Tell me whose priorities are a little more than messed up, huh? When push comes to shove I know who is real and can you even say the say damn thing? I am tired of these words that you have curated to cut me open so you can watch me bleed out. To those that are still living I am fully awake now and if you aren’t already with me you are about to one day soon find out.
So where I thought that I was the one who needed saving I finally can admit that I am strong enough to begin saving the rest of the world. My smile maybe a little less than sunny perfection but it comes with one of the biggest hearts and intentions that you have ever felt or seen. I used to think it was bad to be your own best friend singing your praises but how else do you light up the night for the rest of the world to find? Ya sure to some I may mean nothing but I know to one that is living I am absolutely the center of his world and he is mine too.
The rage that resides in his heart will never be mended so I had to part ways with the entity that gave me life. It is a strange surreal feeling being disconnected from your life force always thinking, “what can this possibly all mean.” My father must have just been a vessel to get me to this life and now once that I have arrived here his presence in my life serves no purpose. Strange isn’t it. Where some fathers get so obsessed they would kill before they let their loved ones leave the house my father just acts like we are dead. There isn’t a single being that he has given life to that he still talks to so I have immense faith that it is not me. That the evil that resides in this course of our path has always been him and now in the presence of our angels he and his evil intentions could never possibly win. So what that means to me is the father in our timeline is just a passing fancy and by no means our reality. That by expunging this great evil from my thoughts I should find prosperity instead of being carried down deep into the pits of hell that defy me.
Take yesterday for example. All I wanted was to get by the water and feel the dirt, rocks and sun on my face. I needed to be connecting with pure life and nature before it was polluted by all these obnoxious free thinkers. Imagine at 9 am getting the once look over and scoffed at. What club did you crawl out of at this time of day? Uhmmm no Karen I have already been to sleep and where this is your greatest accomplishment I can’t help but dream. With my rainbow tail in tow I flashed her a ruby lipped smile and kept on my way. Sure I live a life that most don’t understand but do I really deserve to be ridiculed for it? All I want is to feel connected with nature, the life source that is all that is me. I wish I was born to fit in…or do I?
Curiously I am teetering on the edge. Not in a bad way but in a way that is demanding my immediate attention. Don’t worry. Me and those I love are not in any immediate harm. Although that would depend on how corrupted your brain is and how appropriate it is for individuals to live their own lives. To brace their own lives free of harm and ridicule but even I know how ridiculous these words already sound. We are a violent species. Killing for fun and to receive accolades. It is no wonder we have perverted what coming alive truly means.
I wish I could find that light in this world that actually cares what happens to me and all of the feelings that are happening inside. I tried twice, actually, to have a soul listen to my heart beat but even they thought it was too irregular and borderline deranged. I try to reach but I keep falling in and one time when I topple over it will be a game I won`t be able to win. Closing my eyes I imagine what it would feel like to have somebody wrap their arms around me until the bad man goes away. When I open my eyes laced with tears they wipe them softly away just like I had so desperately needed for all these years. It is so much more than physical intimacy I crave what I long for is a soulful connection and best friend. I want somebody to hear and care about the words I say but I fear that maybe for me that timing might be too late.
Sure we all like to have a purpose and mine is being the best mom. I don`t know what I am doing however, but I will never give up on trying. I am not the best by any means but I determined to keep on going. Where those who don`t understand there will always be a being who eventually will. The focus needs to be on the love that you harbour and not what you hope to achieve. Spinning on all wheels we will try our best to be heard. Why does it matter who hears your cries when you can be the love in your heart that you and your family has always needed. Until you watch the heart of a four year old break right before you you will never understand what this all means. I have to be his pillar of strength and try to be the family of his dreams.