I wish I could find that light in this world that actually cares what happens to me and all of the feelings that are happening inside. I tried twice, actually, to have a soul listen to my heart beat but even they thought it was too irregular and borderline deranged. I try to reach but I keep falling in and one time when I topple over it will be a game I won`t be able to win. Closing my eyes I imagine what it would feel like to have somebody wrap their arms around me until the bad man goes away. When I open my eyes laced with tears they wipe them softly away just like I had so desperately needed for all these years. It is so much more than physical intimacy I crave what I long for is a soulful connection and best friend. I want somebody to hear and care about the words I say but I fear that maybe for me that timing might be too late.
Sure we all like to have a purpose and mine is being the best mom. I don`t know what I am doing however, but I will never give up on trying. I am not the best by any means but I determined to keep on going. Where those who don`t understand there will always be a being who eventually will. The focus needs to be on the love that you harbour and not what you hope to achieve. Spinning on all wheels we will try our best to be heard. Why does it matter who hears your cries when you can be the love in your heart that you and your family has always needed. Until you watch the heart of a four year old break right before you you will never understand what this all means. I have to be his pillar of strength and try to be the family of his dreams.
I wanted to feel hurt by the way things happened. The lies I heard escape from others lips complete with the twists that you have dreamed up. The reality being that you will never come close to me as you are the predator and I will never be your prey. I have become strong in my solitude as I learn more about myself in these days then any other time in my life as I am not like those I thought I admired as I bare witness to what they deem as important and self defining. I am more than this body I find myself in but I have to honour it as such. Honour it as a temple of value instead of a dumpster just to slang your trash into. If we were supposed to be with every Tom, Dick and Harry there would be no sanctity of marriage and in absence of family who is it we are to become.
Magik can’t save us all but it can give us a little hope. It will make us take a look at the elements and try to understand how the manipulation of some items might just make for a better day. That is all some of us have in this cruel, cruel world. In an existence where foes can become lovers in the blink of an eye it can all be taken away and when it finally does we will be forced to remain in silent never again being able to have our say.
I have been presented with an opportunity to still be the best that I can be but it will have to be done during the hours that my baby is asleep. Sure you may read this and say she is damaging her son. To me I believe that we have damaged all of our sons already. This world that we are raising our children in should be sounding all the alarm bells in our heads. There are those those only care for the life that is theirs and couldn’t be bothered with any other entity they find themselves by. I for one believe I need to relinquish all control. The Universe is listening and revealing to me people’s true colors to keep the evil away. Not everybody is the same and that is what makes this time absolutely beautiful but for this moment that is all around me all I can focus on is my boy.
My decision to once again try to communicate this part of my journey to this outside world became important because of a few things. One the receptionist telling me that she has never heard of such a situation made me think just how much many of us pin our problems on our children. Then of course there is the finding the right treatment and proper care. I am going to be trying to v log the journey but we will have to see just how far we get. My husband is wanting to diagnose me as bi-polar and I told him I would be “evaluated” to appease his curiosity. I know that I am moody but I am wondering just how much of it is because I am fed up. Imagine getting talked down constantly the way I do?
I am a forever dreamer which is the intoxicating gift of what is my life. In my presence I can make you believe that anything and everything is possible and it should be because we only have this one shot and it’s a shame that most of us will never get that confidence to take. Some are very undeserving of the life that they have been given and they will one day pay the ultimate price. It will never be known exactly how but rest assured karma likes to take a bite out of the most ripest *ss. There is only so much the Universe can handle before it takes it too personal and begins fighting back. It will start with pandemics and famines then wars will rage throughout the lands. If a great reset was to occur would you be ok with all the things you have done here? If tomorrow was not promised and these last few hours were all you got, can you say you did the things you were proud of if because this the end and all you got.
Whom am I but a mere speck of dust in this time frame hoping to sparkle in such a way that maybe I too will get notice for my hard work and determination. Maybe it doesn’t have to make a difference in this life time but maybe if I put in enough blood, sweat and tears maybe the irony will have no choice but to be all mine. I hope and I pray and even on my son’s worst days I hope that in the end all that we are going through is worth it. It has to be because no matter how much it hurts right now there will always be another being waiting in the wings hoping to get even just a tiny slice out of our pie. You don’t necessarily have to give away the recipe but it should would be nice to share from time to time how else can you find like minds if you don’t at least try and give them a chance. They might nip you in the bud or bite you in the *ss but at least you will never be accused for not at least giving it your all.
Yes we need to look out for number one but not at the expense of another. Never at the expense of another. You would never speak down against somebody when you can see that what they are speaking of is the truth. Their raw innocence becomes to much for some souls to bare so they resort to violence in the most archaic of ways. To have no reason to hate on one another other than plain old jealousy has been a story as old as time. We all learned about Shakespearean plays that spoke volumes to these facts that would confirm that most humans would kill form fame, fortune and matters of the heart.
The energy that is threatening to overcome me is suffocating at best. I am overwhelmed by what we as humans can excuse away before we are even capable of drawing up our last breath. There are spouses abusive towards their parents and children equally abusive to their parents where does it all end? There are so many of us who are destined for so much but we allow ourselves to deteriorate before we find out what it is all for. Of course it is overwhelmingly when it comes to the larger scheme of things. The only entity that seems to be replicating out of control is human and one day what choice will we have but to implode?