I get it now. I think I am crazy. With everything that is going on in this world it is my mind that it is seemingly out of control. I worry that it is this prescription cocktail that the Doctor’s immediately put me on. It seems when you die for 12 minutes they want to prevent you from going into shock. I was already in shock. I died for 12 minutes. For whatever reason I wrapped myself in ice that night and just drifted off to sleep. K. So it was impossible to drift. With my belly on fire my head kept on pounding all I wanted was a moment to feel some relief. One moment I was going to bed and the next minute I was clinging on for dear life. I had no idea the value that one moment could hold until time as we have come to know it keeps marching forward and never standing still.
Inside my head is a constant battle stemming from when I was a young girl of only 13. All I wanted was to be accepted by a group of individuals who had no interest in actually getting to know me. All they saw was a vessel to have a good time. That is how I came to know that shutting up in times of turmoil is the right thing to do. When you are getting bullied by a gang of females its ok to just say nothing and keep to yourself and try to get away. What choice did I have but to keep on going to the place where I was hated. At least inside the school walls I was safe from getting beat. For a year and a half I was called every insult one can think of as my boyfriend at the time told me what I was supposed to do. I was groomed on how to behave, what to wear, what to say, how to engage…no matter now at 40 I am still damaged in some way.
My husband always says stop living in the past and to him I say stop calling me a c*nt. I am the mother of our child you claim to love and what man could ever treat a woman that way. In my heart of hearts I know it is wrong for anybody to belittle and try to force their way but I am still that broken little 13 year old girl. Those moments of getting cigarettes seared out on my body or whipped with a leather belt still linger in my brain. “you’re nothing but a slut. Who would want you.” is what I was told every single day. Every single day at 13 then half of 14 too. Then those words began to trickle into the language of all the kids I would interact with at school, so I drank. I needed to numb that side of me that nobody wanted to know and had to adapt to becoming somebody else. Who would want to hang around with a dirty, little farm girl like me…oh wait a minute didn’t you know she was a slut.
Words hurt more than anyone can fully understand and the identifiers we chose to use will carry with us long after the lights go out. All I wanted to do was to survive and then maybe reflect back on what happened and figure it all out. I am too shy to be the girl that I am painted out to be but I had to become her in order to get any attention at all. If I would have waited for somebody to notice me on the sidelines I think I may have withered up and died. I tried to wait. I outstretched my hand but the reality of what was happening was that nobody would ever want to know me or forgive me. I was always THAT girl even though I wasn’t. That title carried with me through all these years and that is why I struggle to live for a better day.
I am not that person who is sexual. Sensual yes. But sexual? Never. What others have done to me to get off makes me curdle and has forced me to behave in a different way. What I yearn for in a partner is a deep, soulful connection that will offer up a release that will never be felt by just anyone. The connections that we seek here in life or so fragile yet we defecate on that fragility in every single way. Humour me for a moment. Inside a woman is this portal to another realm that is able to grant us life. Why would we want any Tom, Dick or Jane poking away at that? Bringing to life any evil that may have been left that by a previous lover from another day. They call it seed for a reason and once implanted it can wreak havoc on any life. I see that once again in the great land of America they have taken away a females right to what happens inside her uterus. Does that make sense? For a woman who is forced to engage in an activity that will bring to life a great evil you are saying she is not capable of making that decision? You would rather her bore a child that could grow up to do the same and bring onto her a greater heartache? Imagine being a mother of a child who is capable of great evil. Wouldn’t you always be thinking well what if I….terminated would I have saved the life of innocent beings. Take a man who kills off his family in order to engage in another illicit affair. There was a mother who held that man in her arms and wondered I hope he has the best life. Now this.
In a world that is so quick to be judgmental I just want to close my eyes and open them when we all start behaving nice. Respecting each other for the entities that we are instead of belittling to get attention so that we can get our say. Wouldn’t that be nice? It would never happen of course because we have all been engrained to compete. Nobody wants to stay at the bottom anymore if they can trample onto those bodies that have already hit the floor.