This is naseauting. What humans are capable of in their worst image I would never engage in, even at my rock bottom and believe me I was destined to hit it.
So here’s the deal. Junior High was the WORST experience for me. All I truly wanted was to fit in. I wanted what was displayed in the movies so I grew up too fast just to get what I thought I wanted. I gravitated towards the worst guy in our small town, at the time of the sexual assault investigation he had several break and entering charges to contend with too. My family just wanted it to go away and of course I wanted it to too. The advice by the attending officers, it is your word against his and where I believe in a case of a full house of jurors there is a chance that they would not.
Like I mentioned to the constable I had given previous consent. Well as much as a 13 year old child could give. I still didn’t have an idea what sex was about and the potential of all the emotional damage that came with that experience attached. What I believed was a female HAD to do what a man was asking her to do. You couldn’t say no and scurry away you were responsible to the memfolk and that was that. Throughout my adolescence I was engaging in activity that terrified me because I was conditioned and groomed to believe all that. Maybe that is why so many youth our quick to dump their sex identifiers. At the very least they are an indication of how one likes to play.
Life as we know it comes to a head when we fail to recognize in all the ways we have failed. I know how I did. I befriended some of the worst characters that were detrimental to my healing convincing me that drugs and alcohol were the only way. Who I was growing into was a shell of a woman getting kicked every which way everytime that I had fallen down. The Universe can be vengeful when she doesn’t get her way so let me clean the air. Just a little bit.
So I gravitated towards the baddest guy in my high school. I needed somebody to protect me and of course my little sister too. My mind knew that in order to feel safe you had to go straight to the top so I did. I felt forced to. I saw what some were capable of and the evil they were destined to commit. They actually had the nerve to terrorize my little sister. Not on my watch Dahlings. Not last night and definetly not today.
In Grade 8 my guard went up. I trusted no one and I could never let my baby sister get hurt so I called on her bully and let the school know my plans to stand up to her across the school yard right by the dirt. I wasn’t a fighter. I was terrified of pain. I couldn’t let this go on this way so I looked her in the eyes and got ready for the pain. It never came. It seems the guy I just agreed to date got tipped off about what was about to go down. He was running in the distance behind her and managed to grab her fist right of the air. He told her that she could bully anybody that she wanted to but there would be hell to pay if she was caught bothering me. I told him that it wasn’t about me and had everything to do with my sister. Why should anybody be forced to live in fear.
That is why I succumbed to such a tumultuous relationship. That is something you get to carry around town. Being the girlfriend of one of the biggest bad *sses who wasn’t against hitting women or his 3 year old sister. I guess it made more sense to me to stay quiet and make the abuse all for something so I became hated by everybody up to and including myself. By the time it was allover I was just a somebody barely taking up space. I trusted no one on their best days and decided to oly love them when they were in pain or tired for all that suffering and abuse that they began to tell the truth. What some beings are capable of will pick us up firmly by the roots. No joke. They can easily go on about their day like the past didn’t have a part of making them as they were now. I am overly cautious. I was conditioned that way. Idly hanging out in the shadows I was barely noticed if I was noticed even at all. At the time I felt like it didn’t matter, having no real friends. Who I was exposed to in my later years was those who were violent and cried crocodile tears. Everybody hates being used and in my case it finally came to head. It took turning 28 to finally knock my biggest bully in the head. Hey. I am a lover not a fighter so of course she ended up taking me out. Not in a good way either. But, eh. That furry needed to come out. For everything she had stolen from my room and how she returned every gift to get the cash for smokes and booze OH AND TO STEALING MY MAN and breaking into my parents house. Yeah, I needed to launch out a shot in release so I could move on from having such a terrible best friend.
That was my living example of relationships to look up to. A boyfriend who bit me and put cigarettes out on me to a best friend who was robbing me blind and forever selling me out. If somebody more popular wanted to hand I was always just collateral damage. It’s no wonder I gravitate towards a boyfriend who was older in my senior year because I needed to get the h*ll out. I sent him on his way when it was time to finally start school. College was supposed to be my eye opener how was I to know it was the start to even more horror </3