Everybody always begins to wonder if maybe just maybe all the problems being with them. I know I think a lot about if I am the failure. I think I am. Everybody tells me that I am. My whole life I have been spinning in a one way hamster wheel that has been screwed down into one place. I am frozen in the sense I don’t want to try anymore but if I stop now then what was all this pain for. Everybody likes to tell you to think about your son but in the eyes of my Father he wouldn’t even p*ss on me if I was on fire. I spent more than half of my life waiting for him to accept me. The damage of his neglect sits heavy on my heart and in the furthest part of my brain. His desire to have nothing to do with his family drives me nuts. It makes me insane. When I try to justify what life is supposed to mean I come up empty, just broken and I wish I could wake up from this dream. Correction. Nightmare. Have we all lost our damned mind. I need to work at forgiving myself for all that is happened before it permanently disfigures my brain.
It all depends on what you are looking for when it comes to your eternal damnation. Do you want to be remembered for being an ego testicular maniac or do you want to be somebody who appears to be in control. Our reality is that we should be the ONLY entity that truly matters instead of trying to please all those that will never give you no mind. You will spend all your days working tirelessly until you become a former shell of whom you used to before. All those no longer care as your life grinds into dust. Out of the billions of entities we find ourselves around all we need to worry about is just one. Can that even be right?
We are kept stumped and prohibited from enhancing our emotional intelligence making us believe that there can be no other way. Temptation surfaces in ever which way threatening to taint our essence and forever keeping our soul. I will always maintain that the meaning of life is something that is available to us all. Why would the meaning of life escape the majority and always leave us tormented and lusting for more? Since life began and we took to land we have been destroying the very essence that is life.
Am I emotionally stunted from years of abuse? The physche of the human mind escapes me as I was never permitted to think “normal” thoughts. Underneath it all I was scared of being abandoned or worse yet thrown away. We never know just how far we have come and till we are threatened and the bad man chooses to stay. The bad man is whoever opposes your ideologies and trust me there will be many. There will be those who speak to hear their voice heard and others will always be trying to have their say. Both beings being extremely irritating, giving me a gnarly skin rash every single day.
Where my mind gets stuck is all the waysMay humans fail each other. One minute you are linking arms with a bestie then she is selling you out for the star of the show. Everybody has something to say when the right ears are around. Be careful who you tell your secrets too ass some will see them as being easy to sell. I am fully aware of what is being said about me and after all this time I just keep my nose to the ground. I don’t see myself as being emotionally inadequate but maybe, just maybe as a being that has finally had enough. From every which way I am forever judged because I would rather live my way then embrace a life that isn’t me.
Maybe it is not so much as being inadequate as it is about being emotionally out of control. I am easy to anger and even quicker to cry. My emotions are constantly running overth in every which way and I think that is the reason for keeping outside entities at bay. Why should we always be the ones bending over backwards. Shouldn’t our lives matter too? Well your life used to matter until some over entitled big wigs finally had their say. Well I guess they always have had the power since the early dawns of time. There wouldn’t be these horrific crimes against humans and nature like only humans have mastered and insist on wanting to do.
I hate making excuses for those moments in life that go wrong. They happened to teach us a lesson, a moment of reckoning, and it is up to us to try and interpret its meaning. Or at least try to understand it anyways. We can’t go back to correct an incident but we can use it to bring some light into our lives. We can’t remain forever in the darkness when we have only been granted this one chance to live. That is what gets us down the most and makes us feel like a failure. When we start comparing ourselves to everybody else we will always end up falling short. We were never meant to live in another’s shadows when we are so welcoming and focused when bathed in the light. We all come alive when bathed in sunshine, don’t we? Just remember how our skin feels when warmed to the touch. For one single moment your nerve endings come alive and you are reminded for a moment how good it feels to be touched.