The Longest Day

This is in no way to point fingers or a fancy way to try and lay out the blame but my family is in dire needs of intervention and the short end of it nobody even wants to help. Everybody wants to wait until they see you in the headlines so they can so oh ya I knew of them so they can paint you in their own way. The start of the pandemic was a real eye opener for me when peoples true intentions really began to bleed. With race riots growing rampant, I never thought I saw what I seen happen on Capitol Hill. What a disgusting display of self righteousness entitlement that should have been nipped in the bud back then. In the age of social media I thought we had come a far way from the days of Rodney King but I was wrong. I had to listen as those I considered to be a friend let their racist tongues wag in such a fever I will never forget. The more peoples true intentions began to show the more distant I wanted to be. I only needed to think back to the days of my Grandmother and how simple the years must have been. Let’s not say simple but definetly more fulfilling. I never dreamt I would have to go through the day I just went through but here I am in the after math trying to decipher it.

Let’s start with the basics my child never sleeps. He has a hyperactive mind to just start somewhere not to mention everything else. He seems to be a very angry little boy but the more he is able to communicate with us what he is saying the more his words sound exactly like me. Without knowing what he is saying he starts repeating the words that I say, up to and including when I have no oxygen and I exclaim to my husband I can’t breathe. I rush for the door saying I need to go outside for oxygen and my son is doing the exact same thing. Yes children with autism mimic their peers but would they really mimic their parents to that extreme? He seems to hold onto a lot of anger that sound like me and my husbands exact fights. He is going to hate me for saying this but this is the real, honest truth. The reason why I think this is important because individually we are both getting to our wits ends. The night before he slept only four hours and now this morning he was up at 2. He managed to stay in bed till 7 but then he was up raring to go. We even went for a walk around 10 am and then his melt downs began. To put things into perspective he just went to sleep now and it is 9 PM.

I know what you are thinking what terrible parents are we? Just know that we got a referral to a pediatrician and now I am wondering if it is something more wrong with me. I tried to call a Family Psychology place to meet with the three of us as a primary consult to give us what they think kind of what we should do. A plan of action. What I was told by the lady at the desk is that I needed to book him in for AD/HD / Autism screening. Minimum 12 session at $240 each. When it comes to my son money is not the object but what she is telling me here is that we are not allowed to be a part of these sessions. I am worried that my anger and the way that me and my husband fight will be blanketed onto him and used against him his whole life. “I am sorry ma’am this is what we do!” Like hell you are. Now what I thought could be a family healing scenario has driven me to a different place. A place that specializes in children and that will see him to start with just behavioural issues. No mention of anything too much out of the ordinary until it comes up. Did I mention we were declined by our public health system that is why we were forced to go this public route.

My decision to once again try to communicate this part of my journey to this outside world became important because of a few things. One the receptionist telling me that she has never heard of such a situation made me think just how much many of us pin our problems on our children. Then of course there is the finding the right treatment and proper care. I am going to be trying to v log the journey but we will have to see just how far we get. My husband is wanting to diagnose me as bi-polar and I told him I would be “evaluated” to appease his curiosity. I know that I am moody but I am wondering just how much of it is because I am fed up. Imagine getting talked down constantly the way I do? All the little underhanded digs makes me want to shake my fist and you know….one day I out to. He really is testing my patience and my strength to be able to get on with things. He gets this sick twisted enjoyment to try and put the blame on me of all things. I am tired of fighting this uphill battle with him too. I let him sleep during the day while our son just melted down and raged out of control and would lash out at me. I can’t let myself fade out any more like my husband is trying to do. I just needed a little time to recover from all of this. What would you have done in a situation like this if you were forced into it?

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