I Am Powerless

As a mother I admit that I am powerless. Nothing should be more important than that little bean in front of you who is coming into their own for the first time in this world. That nothing is more scarier in this moment than a child who is growing up to believe that they are all alone. That everybody in their immediate vicinity is trying to pass them off to the next bystander so they can do what they deem to be most important in this world. Did you ever get tired of hoping that the right people would make better decisions? Me too. There are just some people that will never change and when it comes to trying to reason with them it is like talking to a wall.

The last few days were some of the scariest of my life but I realized something, me and my son are entirely alone. I don’t mind. It’s just nice to know. When push comes to shove there is only one that I trust and she is hours away from me and now her life has made it so she can’t see. I will not waste no more trying to get the rest of the world to notice us. My son is perfect to me in my eyes. Even in those moments when he has lost all control and he begins to rage. What I see in those moments when he has spun out of control is me and I won’t abandon him like everybody in my life has done so to me. I know what it feels like to be different. I know what it feels like to scream into a world that has no ears. I know how it feels to want to be accepted yet nobody comes around. I don’t want to force ANYBODY to spend ANY time with my son which includes his father and my in laws. My family I can keep away because I have zero tolerance for ignorance and abandonment like they did to me. Anybody who appears just a little bit different has to go. I see rude people and they all look the same where can we find comfort when there is nowhere else to go?

I never maintained I knew what I was doing but I can see how the actions of individuals can affect my boy’s mental health. We all want to feel accepted and feel like we belong but how can we when everybody around us has something more important to do? His grandparents would rather drink all day while their children observe and rage on. Nobody cares about what is happening to a 4 year old boy when we have cigarettes and vacations to have just outside of town. I can count on my one hand how many times my in laws have visited this year now I think it is time I put my foot down. I let everybody walk all over us because they promise that next time they will be better. You know who can better in putting my son first, is me and who I present myself to the outside world will pay the ultimate price.

Every have to ask your husband for help to care for the house. Aside from my blog, my Color Street business, my social media channels when it comes to asking for a little help in getting everything else done I always have to wait. My husband will come up with every little thing that HE needs to do when he gets home from work finally giving me a hand when our angel is asleep. Now that it is late it is hard to water my garden and to care for my chinchilla’s. I like to give my chinchilla’s some floor time which is next to impossible to do when I am falling asleep. Trying to suggest to my husband that it might be nice “to take a break” when he he gets home I realize how damaging those words can sound. Begging a parent to “tap in” so I can breathe would feel incredibly suffocating to a little bean.

What is wrong with me? Why do they say that? What we fail to recognize is that those little ears are still capable of basic comprehension and skills. I know what I feel like when I am pushed aside, my husband does that to me everyday. Remember on Mother’s Day when my gift was to be told to Eat Sh*t, well my husband talks to my son in the same way. When I ask for a minute I got told let me go have a smoke and a sh*t first. Ya you know what. I am good on it. I don’t know if I feel ok living my son in anybody else’s care. Yes he is a little bit different but is he? He just very well maybe a product of all our fights. I love that people think that sharing some DNA entitles you to be a b*tch. Now that I know the motives of those around me I think I will stick to myself and remain quiet. What has been taken from me these last few days is my desire to want to be a part of this life. What I was forced to witness this past weekend broke my heart into a million pieces. I won’t even share the ins and outs of the severity of the broken promises to my family because now that they have been revealed I have no choice but to lay my head. I want to sleep and wake to a brighter day but that will only open if I leave the heartbreak from the day before all alone.

I have been presented with an opportunity to still be the best that I can be but it will have to be done during the hours that my baby is asleep. Sure you may read this and say she is damaging her son. To me I believe that we have damaged all of our sons already. This world that we are raising our children in should be sounding all the alarm bells in our heads. There are those those only care for the life that is theirs and couldn’t be bothered with any other entity they find themselves by. I for one believe I need to relinquish all control. The Universe is listening and revealing to me people’s true colors to keep the evil away. Not everybody is the same and that is what makes this time absolutely beautiful but for this moment that is all around me all I can focus on is my boy.

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