In Absence of Fitting In (all I wanted was to belong)

The problem I am having with connecting with most beings is they are not the same behind closed doors as they are when their eyes are closed. The words they choose are painstakingly chosen to try and bring another being or entity to their knees. They care not to the circumstances that drove them to this moment or what they potentially can take away and learn. All they care about is how they are perceived in this moment and not by their own eyes by somebody else.

I have always desired to fit in. To be accepted by those that were deemed most worthy is always something I have aspired to be. I wanted somebody to miss me when I wasn`t alone. You know, coming alive in another beings dreams, I had always wanted it to be me. I remember very well what it felt like always being the last person chosen. It didn`t matter so much to me but I could tell how it affected everybody else. Being last chosen meant that you were last to be liked. It let you know the hierarchy of who was important when it came to the ranks of children going to school. I guess I always knew I was born to be an outcast, standing out and being noticed was what I was born to do. Keeping to myself I just kept my head down and prayed to the God`s (if there were anybody) that they knew what they were doing. I didn`t want to connect with anybody who was going to use my past against me to hold me under water and keep me down. The pain of knowing what I was forced to do was enough to try and slit my wrists a time or two. I was too scared and too weak to actually do the dead, I loved life. It just makes me sad that in my attempts to end my life other friends of mine have succeeded. There are days and times when there is nothing I can do to keep a dry eye as their memories over come me. I can`t live a life without remembering they existed because there will be a time when no one on this Earth can. So I try to keep my peace, or maybe it is a level head. An open heart and open mind to connect with others that feel the same sort of life source as me.

What they don`t tell us in school is we don`t need anybody to survive. Sure it makes it easier having a confidante but that doesn`t necessarily mean you will win the war. There will still be others content on your demise. Keeping lies running rampant to keep you and others at bay. What I learned in this time of radio silence is not everybody has a pure intent. There are those that will do whatever it takes for fame, fortune and money and they will slit the throats of those that try and alter the way they feel. It is their way or the highway so you better buckle yourself in. I learned to love walking on my own two feet instead of relying on the wheels of a rat infested being. Did you ever walk into a conversation where you are the center of attention and the whole matter of conversation is to try and get the other person in question to kick you to the curb. Oh don`t be friends with her she is nothing but white trash. She doesn`t drive or pitch in anything, uhmmm excuse yourself and bite your tongue it is time to get back into that dumpster that you were found in. Sure I was a single woman at 37 living in a single apartment on the streets of downtown. So what. Did I hurt you in anyway other than doing my best to make ends meet. What turned me off from these women is who they were all trying to be. A bunch of beautified bullies hiding behind winged liner and teased hair. Sure it hurt and it changed my mind instantly that day. Why hang around with a bunch of infested negative thinkers that are incapable of thinking with their own mind. I may have let that behaviour slide but I will never forget. My lining will be silver I promise you I was born to never be a quitter.

I think why I am hated is because I did everything I set out to do. Where once I was ridiculed for where I live we have a 3 story house with a fair sized back yard. There are two vehicles in my driveway and furry and feathered pets as far as the eye can see. Where you wanted me to be poor and alone I became comfortable never outliving my means. I don`t have to beg for others to notice me because I no longer care. I do what is necessary in my timeline and never look back to see where you might have gone. What I know is that you were cruel and unusual in the most archaic of ways leading me to believe that maybe you are not human possessing the compassion and heart like other beings. I wanted to feel hurt by the way things happened. The lies I heard escape from others lips complete with the twists that you have dreamed up. The reality being that you will never come close to me as you are the predator and I will never be your prey. I have become strong in my solitude as I learn more about myself in these days then any other time in my life as I am not like those I thought I admired as I bare witness to what they deem as important and self defining. I am more than this body I find myself in but I have to honour it as such. Honour it as a temple of value instead of a dumpster just to slang your trash into. If we were supposed to be with every Tom, Dick and Harry there would be no sanctity of marriage and in absence of family who is it we are to become.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s