Hard to do right? With everybody in this world around us it gets hard to remind ourself that we are worthy too. The last few weeks have been suffocating to me. Actually it’s only been a week. In one week my eyescwere open never to be closed again.
Everybody around me has an opinion and nobody wants to take what’s happening inside my head seriously. It’s hard to lose my voice but I have to remain silent to truly understand what is being said. Listening to others opiniom it is obvious that I may always just be alone.
Physically I am tired and mentally I have had my share of enough. I want the world to know I am trying my best but I think that is something just for me to know. Every waking moment I am consumed with being the best mom. I am told I still need to care for myself but I can’t after all the things we have done. Together our fighting had stunted our child’s brain. I want ask for help no more. What’s the point. The man of the house will always say no.
I was trying to love my life so hard but was I doing it the wrong way or could I find satisfaction in being the best that I could be? I used to preach balance until I understood what that meant. Balance in my life means my son pays the price. I used to ask my husband for help so I can blog, read, breathe but it always turned into a fight. Watching my sons reaction I think I understand how one would feel. Imagine people fighting because they don’t want to hang out with you. Nah. I can’t do that anymore.
My days are for my son and I love that feeling. I forget that I died to have him and that feeling will never go away so when I ask for somebody to spend time with him and they have a million excuses I think it’s them that needs to go away. Take yesterday. My husband excitedly took the day off so I can get caught up. Ya right. That man spends more time smoking and driving around then he does trying to be our friend. Where my husband has let me down he is crushing my son. I won’t let anybody make him feel that way because he is the most important person in my world so I chose to do nothing. Not exactly nothing but he is my reason for being. He will not take a second fiddle to nobody up to and including my phone.
Everybody thinks I am more than a little stuck up but I am just determined. I am determined to let those that are good close to me and keep the bad beings out. Would you believe I live in a world where me and my son are living all alone. Thankful for the life that lives around me I am thankful for this love I have come to know. I long for a life that understands me but I feel OK if that luck never comes my way. What I crave and what I need is to see that smile light up across his face. His laugh becoming the icing on a carefully curated cake. I wish the rest of the world would understand why I have decided to live my life this way. Shut off from most of the world too tired to listen to their lies and all of their games. What is the sense of it all anyways. We spend a handful of years down here to return to the stars and be surrounded by entities that made it so that we couldn`t breathe. Sure families are great but what happens to the ones that become more than an irritating rash. There is no way we would be forced to resume an existence beyond our means where we are forced to be with those that just get under our nerves. It is impossible to think that once we go we are reconnected. How and in what life time would that be impossible we get out of life what we put back into it.
I love my life in ways that the average person could never understand. I love the way my house is full and comes alive when the rest of the world is struggling or being forced to feel some sort of decay. Absorbing all the circumstances I think I can finally accept the facts. I have been less than perfect in this life but I have become more than committed to keep on trying to make something stick and eventually work. Sure I am more than a flight risk because my son is always in my thoughts. There will be a time when he no longer needs me to the lengths he does now so I should marinade in those facts and really appreciate it. Sure we all like to have a purpose and mine is being the best mom. I don`t know what I am doing however, but I will never give up on trying. I am not the best by any means but I determined to keep on going. Where those who don`t understand there will always be a being who eventually will. The focus needs to be on the love that you harbour and not what you hope to achieve. Spinning on all wheels we will try our best to be heard. Why does it matter who hears your cries when you can be the love in your heart that you and your family has always needed. Until you watch the heart of a four year old break right before you you will never understand what this all means. I have to be his pillar of strength and try to be the family of his dreams.