With the days ticking closer to the day of my birth I am feeling more physciotic and oh so more deranged. It`s like I no longer have an idea who I am. I hate the way I look the way I feel. The friends I keep and the ones I don`t have. In one split instant I was in complete control and now…well now I I feel like I am no longer in control. I used to get up with a fire in my step and such a purpose now that has all gone away. It`s like I somehow don`t even recognize myself anymore and in absence of a full mirror I think I just might disappear this time for good.
There is only so many times one can here are stupid or dumb they are…c`mon are you serious..don`t you have any common sense. Tiptoeing around on egg shells didn`t work. All it did was cause my sons mind to implode. I don`t know what to do anymore, I am on edge. Every where I look around me all I see is trolls. Everybody wants to make you cry or at the very least take away your smile. In a world of seemingly cold monsters how does one every try to regain any sort of control. You have to be humble in your existence and let the fine line of life have it`s way with you. I used to wonder why all our parents start out telling us the same things unless there was some grain of truth and of course maybe somewhere out there their feelings were right.
I can`t believe I have to live in a world where there are so many entities out there trying to make another cry and bleed. I watched a 17 year old get choked and killed by her affluent boyfriend (correction ex boyfriend) and listened on as his mom rallied on to cover up the tale. She wanted everybody to believe in the community that her son wasn`t that way but wouldn`t you know he was bragging to everybody about that dead. I want to be that beacon of light that those with little hope have a place to turn to. The problem with reaching out to others you never know who maybe lurking on the other side.
Where once I was confident and strong I am merely just a shell. I am not sure what I need to do these days in order to get myself back up. What works the best is getting up at the butt *ss crack of dawn to try and get everything done. I know that once this house begins to awaken there will be no more time for just me. I can`t scream in this house anymore because my little boy is listening I am growing fearful for who it is we as his parents may corrupt him into becoming. That in itself is a HUGE responsibility. I am a mom. From the moment I wrapped myself in ice to die to the second I was ripped open so they could save my son I changed. I became somebody else waiting up in limbo but now that the years have passed I am beginning to forget what I saw. I am not convinced I was sent here to be somebody else`s proverbial punching bag but in absence of actual physical violence what is all this yelling actually doing to my son.
I like to convince myself I am strong enough to start over, I did it once before but this time is different. I cut off anybody in my life who looked at my son as being broken or damage or those who decided that his little life wasn`t worth the time. All the birthday`s and holidays that were missed make me want to cry and I don`t know how to make his future better. I tried to make friends but I am always getting judged. How do I put my insecurities and fears aside to try and find what he needs. The visions and scars that I have to deal with on the regular is too much for my brain. Add in to the constant names of being called dumb and stupid is there a place I can go to wither up and die. My crisis is that I just want to be love and now I fear that side of me is being taken away. Everybody says start with loving you first but do they actually know how hard it is to fill when you are already on empty and feeling absolutely depleted.
I wish I could find that light in this world that actually cares what happens to me and all of the feelings that are happening inside. I tried twice, actually, to have a soul listen to my heart beat but even they thought it was too irregular and borderline deranged. I try to reach but I keep falling in and one time when I topple over it will be a game I won`t be able to win. Closing my eyes I imagine what it would feel like to have somebody wrap their arms around me until the bad man goes away. When I open my eyes laced with tears they wipe them softly away just like I had so desperately needed for all these years. It is so much more than physical intimacy I crave what I long for is a soulful connection and best friend. I want somebody to hear and care about the words I say but I fear that maybe for me that timing might be too late. I remember exactly where I was in life when that being was taken away. In one split second our lives forever changed and in that instant I was never going to be the same. Losing the only friend who wanted to check in on you like you were somebody important to them here on Earth still takes my breath away. In these moments I forget who I am and I long for your words to once again comfort me. You always had a way of remembering who I was. That child who was invited to birthday parties are screaming around the school in the back goat trials. It was a day like today when you got taken away. Where once filled with so much promise there is nothing and I feel in my life I am heading that way.
My mental health is such a way that I filmed a lil video to connect with y’all https://youtu.be/0nqrhgWw1Vghttps://youtu.be/0nqrhgWw1Vg