Teetering on the Edge

Curiously I am teetering on the edge. Not in a bad way but in a way that is demanding my immediate attention. Don’t worry. Me and those I love are not in any immediate harm. Although that would depend on how corrupted your brain is and how appropriate it is for individuals to live their own lives. To brace their own lives free of harm and ridicule but even I know how ridiculous these words already sound. We are a violent species. Killing for fun and to receive accolades. It is no wonder we have perverted what coming alive truly means.

Nobody truly cares do they? Until they can fill their ego’s with juicy gossip to utilize against you so they can try to live their perverse dreams. Anybody who tries to suppress your shine so that they can appear bright is somebody you don’t need. A coward shows their face to try and derail you instead of trying to heal matters of the heart and all that jazz.

My husband always asks me are you going to forgive so and so and I always tell him whatever do you mean? I don’t hold no ill will against anybody I just know that those beings are not for me. When push comes to shove they chose to collapse so in my mind why rummage through the rubble and maybe trigger a relapse. Bad intentions bring on bad behavior and I don’t mean no ill will. Dying changes EVERYTHING you live in constant fear of one day returning to be still. That day is coming and with everyday that passes that time is getting closer till its one day here. So why I ask keep those around you that you know hate you when you can kick them to the curb and keep on making do. When I think of those from my past none have been a ride or die and that is how I know I am safer flying solo as some who were around me never made it here. Some days I feel sad in knowing those I once cared for are long gone but that is just the way of life and there should be no reason to feel scared.

So now after so much taunting and bullying and being made fun of for being me I have no idea who I am. I don’t even feel like I look the same. It is so much more than the wrinkles and Grey hairs I was losing all sense of what it felt like to be me. I thought I knew my purpose. With a heart on my sleeve and an outstretched hand I never thought it was going to be me being judged. If you have never experienced grown &ss women being spiteful and mean then you truly don’t know what it feels like to be me. As these like minds swarm together I keep to myself and stay away. Now that the pandemic is over where can I feel safe enough to come out and play. I am not silent because I am dumb, in fact it is the very opposite. Why engage with those who always need to have it their way with their words being the final say. Mean is mean no matter how you slice it why keep coming back for seconds when their evil plan has already been revealed.

I spend a lot of time in my head never speaking my mind. I get confused on what thus all means and if I can do anything to feel better. Some days I feel it’s just age rearing it’s ugly head. Well we told aging makes us ugly and all those other insults we prefer to keep alive in our brain. Isn’t aging a luxury not given to many and here we are making fun of it. We despise our elderly as we lock them away in facilities hoping beyond hope that they will one day soon die. Aren’t they now a burden on our life that we can’t get rid away soon enough. How we forget we owe them everything yet in the moments when they need us most we just keep to ourselves and turn a blind eye. I think I would rather get used to keeping to myself then wait for the day when nobody comes my way. They already don’t so why should I mind. I could waste my whole life away waiting for the loss of innocence to return instead of paving my own way.

Who do you become when you forget all of who you used to be. Those that made you smile and who would vicariously check in have crossed that line who make it absolutely impossible for you to believe you have found a true friend again. I miss those that understood me and who wouldn’t laugh when I shared my fears and secrets. We all need an entity to help squash our biggest fears or unless give us the belief that we are worthy of something more. I life time free of pain and utter exhaustion of trying to fit in. My whole being is sore and raw from all the irritation. I am not who they have made me out to believe but it is easier this way. Why keep fighting a monsoon when all you have is a tiny rowboat? I want to let the waves of identity wash over me and take away all the fragments away and leave me somewhat in tact. Leave the pieces that make the most sense to me and you can take all that wayward cruel behaviour back. Why be the force that is trying to derail me instead of trying to be my friend. I don’t have the time for the games no more, my sanity is already starting to crack.

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