In absence of being compliant we find out just how non compliant we truly are. Our ability to perverse the natural order of things so that we may one day get our way is sickening. Observing the way others behave in order to get their just rewards has made my belly just turn into knots. I would rather remain alone instead of among the most depraved, everywhere around me is a naysayer trying to even the score.

I wonder what it would feel like to just fit in or if that is even something I truly desire to do. I think there was a time when that was all I wanted but looking around into the general public I don’t see a face recognize or a heart that encourages me to feel more. Last night I dreamed about my mom. There is no denying that every year that passes will bring us closer to that day. That day when we can no longer conversate like we used to or share one last hug will one day separate us for ever and I am not sure how to feel or even what to say. I wish life came with a manual. What happens at the end if we made the wrong choice to comfort us now we can’t even the score. They tell us to stop living in the past because it will make us depressed and now I can fully understand why.

Life was easier when we were younger wasn’t it? More innocent and carefree. We are unaware of the evils that humans are capable of how do you think it is that they are able to corrupt us so easily? I remember being 5 when I stole from the backpacks of a kindergarten mate. I had watched another child do the same and she showed me just how easy it was to do. It was so weird to have in my possession a toy that another child cherished but like my “friend” had said their parents will probably by them another to appease their pain so don’t worry about it. K. She obviously didn’t use all those words but I remember that moment like it was yesterday up to and including when the principal called my mother and I had to give the toy back the next day. Maybe that was how I became the outcast because I immediately got caught. I was never good at lying, cheating or stealing. My moral clock always started ticking way to loud that it would eat away at my innosense so that I could never sleep.

Do I whine about it too much? The lack of having comrades and friends? I feel like I do. I feel like it would be so easy to lie and put on a mask so that I could finally get along but every time I do so I lose a little bit of me. Anytime I have to hide how I truly feel or an event that has happened in my past that little girl inside of me that is struggling is slowly losing her grip. Imagine the only time somebody contacts you is to get the juicy 411. I don’t want anybody around me who just appears to get their gossip for the day so they can twist and manipulate my words so they can finally have the last words and say. I don’t even have to open my eyes no more to see those people that are no longer for me. When my hairs stand up and it feel like somebody is dancing on my grave I know to stop what I am doing and put my head down and run away. Good people don’t have to act in such a way that it appears forced. You check in on those that you love with a fierce regularity because you know that today just might be the last day. I hate those last days.

When it is all said and down we can never go back. We can repair the bridges if they were once never intact. There are some people in our lives that we were never meant to get close too. Even if they share the same blood you can feel disconnected and in the end you can feel like you are running out of time. I used to carry this fear and sad again that I would never see my Dad. Never feel his warm embrace, see his smile or even get to feel his arms around me in a hug. The one entity on Earth that was supposed to always have my back he has turned blindly away from me in anger at full force. The rage that resides in his heart will never be mended so I had to part ways with the entity that gave me life. It is a strange surreal feeling being disconnected from your life force always thinking, “what can this possibly all mean.” My father must have just been a vessel to get me to this life and now once that I have arrived here his presence in my life serves no purpose. Strange isn’t it. Where some fathers get so obsessed they would kill before they let their loved ones leave the house my father just acts like we are dead. There isn’t a single being that he has given life to that he still talks to so I have immense faith that it is not me. That the evil that resides in this course of our path has always been him and now in the presence of our angels he and his evil intentions could never possibly win. So what that means to me is the father in our timeline is just a passing fancy and by no means our reality. That by expunging this great evil from my thoughts I should find prosperity instead of being carried down deep into the pits of hell that defy me.