I was born Daddy’s little girl and for that one simple fact I was born to be hated. My older sister despised me as soon as I became a little bean growing inside of her Mother’s womb. It was always HER mother because or Dad’s weren’t one and the same. My sister was the beautiful gift given to my mom at an incredible young age and our Mom did the right thing and dropped out of school. Imagine how hard that would have been. Becoming a teen mom in the 70’s. My mom was a much stronger woman than I could have ever been case and point is my decision to terminate what was growing inside of me. I can’t help but wonder now if my child that I was gifted as a teen was killed because of jealousy that grew inside of my father. Who wants a daughter who is already used and damaged? My Dad just couldn’t wait for the excuse to throw me away so I grew up jaded. I grew up broken beyond recognition and untrustworthy of the world. I learned silence was the best medicine to deter away the haters. That lesson was learned in the 90’s before the information super highway began to connect the whole world.
What I grew up wanting more than anything was to be rescued from this sordid life. I had always seen myself as the damsel who was suffering, never happy and always in distress. People just never understood all the words that I was trying to say. I wasn’t trying to bring anybody down I just had a lot of weight upon my chest and I had a ton to get out and try to stay. I will never forget that Jersey Shore wannabe who looked at me through her thick lashes and with her color candied lips she told me to just off myself. If I lived a life that I had lived I would rather be dead. Imagine having a co-worker say those words as she was laughing and I was holding back tears. All I ever wanted was to be accepted for all that I was. I say was because that was a lifetime ago but I still carry it around like it was dead weight. What we do to each other to justify away the pain and hate is incredibly alarming. We need to learn to accept each other instead of be aggravating but I don’t think that is a lesson that will soon be learned in the upcoming years.
At home I am always the idiot too stupid to know my wrongs from rights. That is not it entirely I just don’t understand why all this pressure needs to land squarely right on me. Even in the shadows he still finds me to state his cause. Why isn’t the house spit shining and polished and is that really a lil pile of dirt here on the floor? Don’t act like you didn’t witness me carrying up piles of dirt to the second floor and now that the weather is warm enough you through all my hard work out to the wind. I am sure it doesn’t mean much to most but I put a lot of blood, sweet and tears into curating that life. I know to the untrained eye they are just fruits and vegetables but to me they gave me a purpose and they made my insides feel good. To you I understand why you would just see life your way. It’s easier. Maybe it hurts less. Who knows maybe you just don’t like who you are or where you are going so you come unglued to the rest of the world. I am tired of being called names and being made fun of I wonder what it will take for me to finally have enough and leave this world.
All I wanted was to be saved but now I believe I must be strong and find a way to begin healing the rest of the world. There is no way that we are supposed to mitigate through all this pain to have it all be for nothing as we take our last breaths and die. When I close my eyes I can got to this most tranquil place in the world. A place free of hate and ridicule and those monsters who suck the life right out of us. I live in a world that doesn’t exist because the world that I thought was meant for me is always slipping through my grasp and getting farther away. Why conform to a world that is just going to destroy you and yours laughing all the way into the flames and pit of hell. That is where evil resides, away from the rest of the world. If this is what it feel like to be hated am I closer to being loved? Have I paid enough in dues for the person I was so scared to be that I can finally begin to show my face to the rest of the world? Do beings actually think they can treat us so ridiculous like they have no other care in the world? I don’t need to be another’s second thought when I have so much that I need to get done. The fire that burns deep inside me never wanes it just finds another source of power on which to feed.
So where I thought that I was the one who needed saving I finally can admit that I am strong enough to begin saving the rest of the world. My smile maybe a little less than sunny perfection but it comes with one of the biggest hearts and intentions that you have ever felt or seen. I used to think it was bad to be your own best friend singing your praises but how else do you light up the night for the rest of the world to find? Ya sure to some I may mean nothing but I know to one that is living I am absolutely the center of his world and he is mine too.