I find myself being sucked under into one of the most torterous bouts of hell but I beginning to realize that it only affects me if I allow it to. I have to develop a super, thick skin and put the blinders on because nothing worth having didn’t come without paying the ultimate price. I think I am done wishing that my husband might come around and change his attitude towards me. I think it boils down mainly to every vile words my son spits back at me. Sure I am and him are not soley to blame but we are if we continue this disaster of a relationship for any more time.
Every day I cry and in those moments I am not crying I am holding back tears I know it is only a matter of minutes before I hear something bad about me or worse. It’s not even egg shells that I walk on any more its the hottest coals in hell that are to be found. I can stay here for just a little bit longer or do I pack a bag and be gone? It seems so odd to me that both me and him would want to spend any more time working on something that has already fizzed out and blown away. Maybe it is the life that depends on us that keeps us stagnant here. Oh. Now this a story that sounds a little bit familiar. The ticking time bomb of those growing up around us being the be all end all I have lived this life before and now it all makes sense.
Why would we stay somewhere where it appears we are no longer appreciated or unwanted hoping to change others people’s minds in the hopes of evening up the score. We all want to believe that we are manifesting our best destinies but are we doing everything we can to realize these means? I doubt it. Oh I doubt it so much. The things we allow to happen to each other evades all reasoning and common sense. Why? Am I right? Why would something like this happen to me or worse yet to somebody I love. There is fear interwoven into everyday because there are events that will happen to us that will never make sense and some times things will happen that we may never know.
So because we will never know how do we push it to the back of our minds and make it so that we can try and forget? Can we? The haunting, chilling stories of lives taken too soon can we embrace the very essence of their lives and help bring them back to life? If only for a moment can we try and find a way, to make a life a little bit easier bringing some piece of mind to our heads and brains. I don’t want to fixate on the negative because it will invite more to come on in so I tuck it away deep down inside and carry on with me day. I don’t want to beg no more for those to want to check in on me because I know eventually every dog has their day. I am tired of pretending like being ignored and cast aside is ok I want to find a way to begin living my life just for more. I hate the idea of being selfish but we have to be. Nobody else can look out for yourself but we will be called every name in the book if we do. I know that’s true. It happens everyday right here at home. A little bit of narcissism is good for you. Having too much will poison and take over the world.
As a parent I have to be strong. My precious lil bean being the greatest gift I ever received in this world. My heart breaks when I am reminded I have no connection to my birth Dad. How does the one who gave you life take it back when they ignore your existence in this huge world? That hurts me. More than most would know. Unless you have been abandoned by somebody you love you may never have to witness this pain. I think about my Grandmother and what an amazing life she lived. I wish I could hug her again one more time and let her know that I am still thankful to live in this world. On the days it hurts the most I think about how she would have been at my age. A mother of 5, a wife like no other if only I can be a fraction of the woman that she was. How we forget all that was sacrificed for us here in this moment and how truly lucky we are to be able to age.
Now that is an image I savor and try to remember. I appreciate all that she was in one point or another. Sure I only knew her once she had aged but she is the reason that I am able to find myself here so I want to bring her to life more. I miss her. I miss that life. I hope she isn’t ashamed of the woman I turned out to be. I keep on trying even if I fail and make mistakes. I realize that this is what makes me human and I am not sure how much more I can take but I will. I will keep on trying to make a difference in my life and into the next. I wonder how this all started and if I will return to a place that will one day all make sense. I want it to and even if it doesn’t I will still rise again until the one day that I physically can’t. I hope that you will too. Even in our most depressed state we are worthy and yes that means I am talking about you.