Thinking Of You

Ever have one of those nights where sleep evades you and you have no choice but to stare into the darkness and will yourself back to sleep? Me too Dahlings, me too. In these wee hours of the morning I can’t help but think about those that were once in my timeline and for whatever reason can no longer be no more. I miss their childlike smiles and innocence that had so much promise for the future and now they have no more.

There is something pulling on my heart that is keeping me awake. It’s so hard to ignore that for a few summers we had the safety net of each other and before we even knew it we had it no more. Maybe it was just me finding it impossible to connect but what I found as I began to age I had a soft spot for those who were troubled. When I think about those days I wish I would have connected more but I was so broken then, I think that is what makes it so easy now. I bare my pain to the outside world so I can encourage others to get out of that rut just like me. We weren’t born to live, pay taxes and die so why does that seem like that is all we are going to do?

Some of the last conversations I have had have been the greatest. They have been an eye opener to my soul. To hear the struggling words and desperate thoughts escape from the lips that I once knew break my heart. These are people that were at the top of my class, at least in popularity everybody knew their name. I feel sad in knowing that in their final days they lived so broken hoping for the best but it will forever be out of their control.

When I think about the lives soon forgotten I can’t help but think and obsess about what this could all be for. It doesn’t make sense. One minute we are living our lives and the next minute we close our eyes never to be able to open them ever again. It makes me sad for a minute, but we are all in the same boat. For in this moment we find ourselves alive and what we choose to do with this time is up to us. Isn’t that incredibly over whelping? We weren’t born to do anything but to enjoy each other’s time and company and here we are living incredibly depressed so where do we find hope?

Maybe you aren’t depressed about where you find yourself to be. You love your job, your community, your house, your current situation there is nothing in this life that you are wishing to change. Every choice you were presented with you chose the right one there is no need to ever think about what if I had chosen another way. What if I never broke up with so and so or quit that endless job? I have those thoughts which is a dangerous dance to engage in constantly in your head. Don’t live in your past they say. Be hopeful for what is coming round the bend and heading directly your way. Life can’t feel this bad forever, can it? Doesn’t every dog eventually get their day? I think they do. I am hopeful that they will. We are all deserving of feeling love and a little bit of gratitude from time to time because isn’t that how we all became to be and finally get our start.

So here I sit in the dark remembering those smiles that gave me a little bit of hope. I remember conversations we shared that I could never possibly get back. I think about those moments and use them to fuel my dreams. I wish that there was time to live our dreams together before fate intervened and took all those possibilities all away. What gravitated them towards me was my outstretched hand, how I wish I hung on to them relentlessly like only a true friend can. Sure there are moments that I wished I did more but all I can say to those events is all we can do is try. It’s not up to me to be others be all end all but I can sure make room for them to stand up tall with pride.

Through no fault of our own some things will forever be out of our control. How do we slow down and appreciate the simplest moments in life. The moments that really count. The moments that feel like no time is moving but hours slip through our fingers that we can never get back and that’s ok that is why we have to try our hardest to make them count. Some of those moments will stay with us our whole lives and will remind us at times what it is that we are prepared to lose and those things in our life worth fighting for. All we know is all we got and we torment ourselves hoping and wishing for more. I wish it wasn’t that way but these constant comparisons can drive one insane.

In the wee hours of the morning when the rest of the world is asleep and you find yourself awake take some for yourself. Marinade in all that is you. It’s ok if you are the only who enjoys your essence and company. Who else in this world is more important to impress? I know it seems incredibly important to find somebody in this world but you already know somebody who has the potential to be amazing and that person who is wonderful that is you. I know it seems hard to believe but there is nobody worth cheering for. Even in the wee hours in the morning when you find it is you can’t sleep know that somebody is thinking about you hoping for the best. I hope you know that someone is me.

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