The true definition of insanity is doing the same damn things over and over again with little or no inkling to ever change. I don’t live that life or at least I try to not live that life it is the lack of support around me that makes me live out my days this way.
I am so focused and determined to leave my mark before I fizzle out across the sky that I will dip my toes into anything that promises to help those days become true. I remember when I first came to Alberta without even a friend or my cat to minimize that blow. There is no feeling like that one when you gave your all to somebody and they threw it all right back in your face. I know this feeling. It follows me like a companion. The idea that a man views you as a commodity instead of a vehicle to get things done. My ex at the time wanted it all. Money, alcohol, sex…but not with me. He wanted that lifestyle that put him behind bars in the first place and I was not about to lie to keep him out here with me. The first day I picked him up he started looking for girls on craigslist. What is humorous about criminals is they always think they will not get caught but the deep depressed color of purple told me exactly where he had clicked. Girl looking for a good time right around the corner from where we were staying lol alright boy your time with me is few. Imagine that pain when given the chance to pick between two men you picked the boy with his d*ck out of his pants…how funny.
I am a creature of habit. I would rather beat an idea dead then admit that maybe I was wrong. Nah. You aren’t going to catch me side stepping. Not in that way. I believed my energy and physche was beyond working so depraived. I didn’t need to trap anybody by the way I dressed, looked or behaved. I didn’t want that energy around so what choice did I have but to pick up and leave. When you move to a new town you become incredibly desperate and generous with your time. I can’t tell you the amount of one date wonders and losers I met through the course of my time here and let me tell you it was years. What never stopped me from settling is a still wanted to be something with my life. I wanted the life that was promised to me when I was a child if I just lived the right life and walked the right way. I wanted to care for my house and be regarded as the Queen of the Kingdom which could only ever happen with a lot of mutual outpouring of love and I suppose some eventual respect. I know this destination isn’t my forever stop, it can’t be I just believe my time is more important served here than anywhere else.
When I think about our destination and what it took for us to evolve it makes me sad that we took away the very essence of what coming alive truly means. We ridicule those we don’t understand for no reason at all. Laughing at their struggles and failures like we were that be all end all. I can’t stress this enough that all that we see around us we can never eternally have. All that we enjoy will be left behind when we leave this world and it will be left to the survivors to even up the score. The way others will move through and cherish your prized possessions will make you turn over in your grave. Always looking for that ultimate haul and score when in the end they can’t even remember your name. Sure we are all guilty of letting life take us by the horns and having its way with us. If you don’t take the time out for those who are important you will soon learn to regret it.
I remember EXACTLY where I was every moment when I learned somebody I had loved had passed away and died. My Grandmother: running track, My Grandfather: Winners, My Grandmother: TD Bank, My good friend, TM, on the bus at 10:30 in the morning on the way to work. He is the one that I can never forget. It happened right before my ex went back to prison. He was the one that was trying to get me out of that hell. Encouraging me to return home to the Kootenay’s and ensured me there I was still loved. That he still remembered me as I remembered him as a child. We had planned to visit with each other that summer but the Universe had a grand ultimate plan. I remember his text vividly as he was just trying to reach out. I read it and thought I would answer on my break until fate intervened and decided to take him out. Well it wasn’t fate and I will always believe it was his ex. What was strange in the days after his demise our whole conversation that we had was deleted. Every conversation about what he was going through and how he still found happiness was gone. What broke my heart into pieces was when his ex deleted his Facebook from our world forever. That week was the hardest week of my life. It started with my friend departing and the next day they took another Grandmother. Grandmother Lillian. My mother’s partners mom. I petite spry woman who was perfect took her last breath the very next day. I wanted to scream but I knew at that time nobody would care about my pain. Wouldn’t you know that during all this is when I got that call that my ex had reoffended and won himself another 1.5 years. No way. No way was I going to try and live this life here alone with so much open wounds and pain so I picked up and left.
With all that was happening around me I needed a fresh start and chance. I was willing to try almost anything and that is why I picked up and skipped to another province. When you are in your late 30’s trying to pick up the pieces and start all over again you feel defeated. You feel tired from all the judgment of why are you such a failure and you begin to close yourself off from the world. At least I did. Once I found my place in the Universe I dug my heels in right were I stood. Sure it might not be ideal for some but I found my place and being accepted among all these plants and animals and it sure feels good.