In my best days I am still subject to his forever tirades. I am not sure if it is me that he is sour with or the idea of me but to me both are still the same. Even this morning as I looked for my cell phone, which was stuffed in between the couch cushions, he let me know just how he thought my mind was deranged. He always insists that I am bi-polar because of my ability to fly off the handle then return to the personna of a cool cat. I mean once you learn how to navigate through the dips and turns of life you only seem crazy to those you let know.
His favourite argument is that I am a lazy woman for not entirely cleaning all the filth in HIS house. Yes he lets me know that this is house and that he is the breadwinner. It is those kind of comments that make me want to slap that smirk right off his face. I think that is why it has become so important for me to be somebody so I can eventually take the time to leave this place. I am tired of being called an idiot or lazy just because I won’t clean his sh*tter where he sits on his throne. When we first got together he promised he would quit smoking now he wants me to clean up the place where he smokes a pack of cigarettes or even more. I quit for my health and to save another dollar. I was tired of giving my hard earned money to a government that is hell bound and determined to sh*t the bed. What I am learning from this space in time is money is the be all end all to everything and in the absence of so much greenbacks you should just shoot a hole inside your brain. You will never amount to the world in any form or fashion. At least that is what they need you to believe so they keep their power over us in some sort of way. I saw in the news that there was a vegetable shortage soon coming and in my mind that never would have happened to us back in the day. We used our crops to fuel us through the winters preserving what we harvested so that we could live another day but we can’t do that now. We have to work 16 hour days away from our families just so we can pay nosebleed prices for fruit that grows outside on a tree. Isn’t that insanity? It sure is to me. I think I will ignore what it is these self righteous beings are saying because they don’t have any good intentions.
Even though this life is hard it is rather self fulfilling. I never have to tread to far to get to a being that understands me. The closest to understanding I have is the animals and plants that I care for here in these moments because they understand the value of a moment even when they spend all day sleeping away. As long as their is the basic of life provided to us, up to and including some personal attention and some loving care. That is what life was supposed to be about. Those moments in existence that nobody can threaten or ever take away. That is what makes me live in this moment even with all this anguish because there are 20 plus lives that value me so why just let one have their say. All I can do is smile and nod and walk away and listening to the fading words of his continuous backlash. That is what he loves to do and that is how he likes to keep his home. I think though from my experience it is this sort of one and one verbal combat that keeps most of us on our toes. Everyday is a chance for a new insult or at least a list of demands that I had failed to do. Pick up my laundry, scrub the toilet, clean up this, do that, he can never be happy with anything that it is that I do. Never mind he is out of this house from the time he gets up to about 7 o clock at night so there is never and will never be any extracurricular time for me. I am trying to be more accommodating and gracious to my son. In the beginning it used to be upsetting to me to not have time to edit videos, write my blog or yes even to read but what grew more disturbing was how crestfallen and heartbroken he was making my son. Imagine being only 4 and watching somebody you idolize make every excuse in the books not to spend any time with you. Just one more smoke, I need to water my plants, just 20 more minutes and then I can make and find time for you. Our son stays up way past his bed time just trying to wait around for his Dad. I have never witnessed something so sad or heartbreaking in this 43 years I have spent in this world. Every time he asks where his Dad is I just want to cry so I hold back my anger and tears and try to forge out that desire that just wants to run downstairs and cry.
I know what it feels like to be made out to be no good. Damaged goods and high collateral why try to fix something that is too broken to fix. All he wants is time but in his Dad’s eyes he will never find any. That crushing blow of never getting a patriarch to accept you is something that will break your heart and rot your brain. To never measure up to the standards and ideals of even a more broken man is completely and utterly ridiculous but here we are and here is where we will remain. I will pick up the pieces and learn to live happy and remain determined and focused till I live my last day. What is most important to me is the life that I find myself around and how can I help them thrive and be most happy that I can tolerate almost any other kind of being.