What permeates my brain is our instinct and natural ability to always want to be, or appear to be, somewhat in control. What happens to us when the world that we have become accustomed to gets ripped right from underneath us leaving us powerless? Who do we trust in times when it seems like we have no one and how do we get back to a the time where we used to be able to live free. Free from the weighted opinions of those that only want to conquer us instead of enhancing our ability to truly know our own identity instead of the perversion that is constantly shared from all the beings that have spent their whole lives trying to see. Can you truly trust those beings that lie outside of your inner being hoping that they would be the lifeline that we always could use and need. There are those that have been sent to deter us with little or no common sense left in their brain.

In a world that is all about us what about all those other living beings that just desire to live free. There are children who are abused and abandoned for doing absolutely nothing other than trying to find their footing and learning how to breathe. Even now in my country that is an Indigenous graveyard we threw billions of dollars at them just to go away. They accepted. Of course they accepted. Instead of saying that is not good enough, your money is not accepted here you need to go ahead and make it so that their spirit can rest right they accepted. All those poor innocent babies who were never returned home now have a price tag that sits on top of their head. Once again we are shown that when given the chance humans will chose commodities over spirit. The essence of life has now been ground into the dirt and sand. I can’t imagine that horror of losing a loved one, especially by my church and government, that no amount of cash will ever make that nightmare right. Why is this world so incestuous in wanting fame and fortune instead of preserving the sanctity that is life.

Let’s digress. I love my body and being in control. I love dressing up and being all sorts of feminine, it is for my eyes mostly, without a care of what is being said in that outside world. The idea that I need to be controlled by sex is absurd and I will never understand this. We need to learn to develop our own senses that can’t be down from our faces being flat down in the bed. I like to think I am fighting for my children by teaching them how to be in control. There is owning your own sexuality and identity but there is a fine line from acting all depraved. What example are we setting for our children when we act that way? I know that life isn’t easy and we need to find a way to pay the bills but what about when we do it for free to accumulate attention? How does that set an example for our daughters and sons. Freedom of speech and all that jazz but what about an intimate connection with the mind and soul? It is impossible to think that we were made for just anybody when our Grandparents looked towards our futures as having so much value and promise. I love the promise of a mutually beneficial relationship free of ridicule and hate but in these days and times it seems like more and more of us have an anterior motive and it is getting to be a lot more than I am willing to take.

In having a conversation with my Aunt I told her that I thought that these days I felt more asexual than anything, in the sense that getting off was no longer important to me. It never was to be honest I was just searching and waiting and hoping to be loved. I thought if I engaged in the activities they wanted from me then in the end I would end up getting what I wanted. It never worked. Not in the grander scheme of things. I always wanted more out of my life and forgetting about having sex was the next best thing. It is a strange euphoria that takes over you that makes you gravitate towards those unconditional feelings of being loved. You believe that this is the only energy that you need to survive that you forget everything inside you and your inner being. You forget what it feels like to love yourself and be the reason why you smile. It is in something so simple as maintaining a garden or watching the animals you keep in your company thrive but we don’t want to live that way. We want to be remembered as being the most beautiful or at the very least acquiring all the most things. How incredibly archaic but it speaks volumes to the pharaohs that used to rule their land. They allowed millions upon millions of people to sacrifice their whole lives in order for another to take all their material possession’s to the grave. They didn’t want to leave them behind for anybody all to acquire, no. They had to try and take it all with them letting their own selfishness light up the night sky like a beacon. Those temples to the sky are an immediate example in the first sight of humans that began to live wrong. Of course millions were scorned with this heavy life sentence never knowing how freedom can feel when it is coursing through their veins. That was the example we followed and used it to fuel the wars that were beginning to lit up in our brains. We can take what we want and use a heavy hand all that truly matters is that we are courageous enough to stand tall where we stand. Look at the statues of our founding fathers, covered in accusations of bigot behaviour and abuse that is still running rampant long after they were laid to rest in their graves.