Last year Death visited me more than once and I don’t mean just in casual passing. I mean we looked at each other dead on. I couldn’t let on the fear I felt when knowing he was about to arrive. There is this nervous feeling of energy and unrest that I find it incredibly hard to describe.
It starts with a drop in temperature as the cool breeze just seems to start out of nowhere. Even in a brightly lighted Doctor’s office there is this darkness that just begins to settle over everything. At first when the goosebumps arrive and all the hairs stand erect on your arms you can’t help but feel excited and nervous, and not in a good way. When I first realized that Death was on the way for my sweet Cinnamon I looked around at the birds who were all in a frenzy. There was an eerie silence that settled that night before everybody was on edge. These birds went completely feral. I was so thankful that they were all in separate cages.
I knew immediately what was going on as I looked at her frail little body inside her cage. I knew we were too late to save her little life that another took for granted and act so depraved. Grabbing a towel I wrapped her in a towel and held her in my arms wondering if there was time to get her to the help that she so self righteously deserved and so desperately needed. I needed her to know that her life meant something to me even in this sad and tragic condition. When the birds erupted that night and my Sweet Pippin began to squeek I knew it was time that I took her immediately out of there. Racing to my husband I told him that I thought she was dying. I petted her on the nose and between the eyes and my husband told me he thought the same. There was no time. As fast as we had noticed that she needed veterinary care she was gone. I held her in her last moments here on Earth and I hope I gave her a little bit of grace on those days before she died. I cleaned her cage daily as needed and made sure her bedding was fresh and she had a belly full of hay. I still cry over the loss of having to stare down Death that day.
That was the second time Death came that week the first time was for my Sweet Lucy. There is nothing that compares to losing a cat in one day when you first begin to notice something is wrong. That night I noticed she looked pregnant even though her life she was known to be fixed. I tell you my mind played tricks with me that day when I took her to the Vet expecting Kittens. No Kittens came and neither did my Lucy. I remember when the X-Rays went up and the tears in my Vets eyes and I knew there was nothing we could do that would save her. I looked her in the eyes and asked her if she was terminal and all my Vet could do was no her head and say yes. My eyes instantly filled but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of making my Lucy’s heart hurt when she had to leave me. I asked her if I could see her and she said that I could. She asked if I needed a towel and I said no of course not I just needed her. So in Lucy came and I held her in my arms. My vet asked me how much time I needed and I said it was ok if it needed to be done right away. If she was in pain then it was the right thing to do. Let me just hold her till she leaves us and then I will think of what I need to do. I held onto her and petted her as the injection went into the line. She raced up my shoulders to run away from him and it tore me up immediately inside. My Vet told me her will to survive was incredibly strong. She for sure was in immense pain you did the best thing that you could do. As I carried her to the table where the towel for her was laid out I refused to cry. My Vet looked at me and I looked at her and I turned to walk out of there so I could just leave. Right before I walked out the door I ran back to Lucy just so I could hold her paw one more time. She had the cutest lil white sock with a brown birth mark on the outside that is how I always recognized my girl.
Death came for me once directly but my Angels intervened on my behalf. I am not sure why they felt the need to give me more time on this Earth but they did. Whatever happened to me in pregnancy was directly and indirectly missed. Nobody noticed what was wrong with me until I was laying flat out on my bathroom tile with my husband holding onto my head. Even at the Foothills Emergency my blood pressure was 220/180 and the Doctors had no hope of knowing what to do. You see I have hero blood. I am the Universal Donor capable of saving anybody but what that means nobody other than my blood type is able to save me. Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it but if you don’t believe me Google it because it is true. They needed to know from my husband who to save. His brand new wife or his unborn baby who at the time would be only 32 weeks. See with that high of a blood pressure if they cut me open I would bleed out. My son was already dying in utero as what ended up happening is my placenta had turned to poison and was killing of my unborn baby and in the end was going to try and take out me. Crazy right? Super insane but what I remember from that time was an incredible bright light and an image of my paternal Grandmother. If I close my eyes it feels like just yesterday complete with touch, sound and smell. I hear her loving voice guiding me reminding me that in her eyes that I can do no wrong. She wanted to grant me the chance of having a family because she knew in my heart that was all that I ever wanted. She needed to use this time before I became a new mother to remind me of what was important and what was right. That there would always be temptation and evil intentions that are always out there trying to persuade you and mislead you. Evil never wins but they do try to prevent us from rising above them and getting to the top. That was why Death kept coming for me to remind me that some choices will have consequences and can be dire.