A Different Life

Another turn around the sun and all I got is this fire in my soul and a desire to turn others away. If I keep on indulging in those that are no good for me they will keep diluting my worth and taking away from all that is me. I understand the desire to make it so you are never alone and in the end never forgotten about but did you even begin to consider the possibility of what that could all even mean?

Growing tired of listening to the torrential raids of an insensitive family I think I have finally come to my wits end. Imagine every day getting bombarded with insults such as you are an idiot or may favourite, you f*cking goof, this man needs a reminder how to treat his wife. Every day is a new opportunity for him to become unglued around me and I wonder what it is I did in this life to deserve this kind of man. K. Well I am almost certain I have paid my penance for the life that I had lived in previous to this. Maybe he is to serve as my reminder of what can happen to me again if I stray wrong. I think it is the name calling I can live without but when I look at the world around me I see how common it is to throw derogatory statements around. I am still shook by my neighbor coming unglued at me in front of her teenage daughter. What real woman says to another who is clearly struggling, “I think your hair bleach has affected your brain.” Thanks for your kindness maybe you yourself needs fresh hair. Imagine throwing stones around without even a regard for another or even a care.

As I age I feel the body aches and I know time is just a number that is slipping a way. When I was 20 I didn’t care so much and then I got incredibly nervous once I hit my 30’s. Is there still time to be successful in all the ways that I believe I was born to be or is that life not meant for me and it is time to just rest and be on my way. For me it has always been hard not to push what is bothering me aside and begin to dream. That has always been my push to keep on going and never mind those who appear to be minded by me. I am so over it and beyond tired of sticking around places where I am no longer needed. So I won’t be. I won’t be so worried about what other people are thinking about me and continue letting me rip me apart. I used to do what others expected of me and no more and left the very essence of me alone, waiting in the dark. At first I was scared of coloring my hair, then I was scared of being seen without care. I was made fully aware of what others were saying about me and to be honest it beat up my insides. When I was desperate to reach out to those that I thought cared and loved me I remembered what they did with the information that I have given them before. I choke on my feelings and words like a cancer and continue to hide myself away from the world.

Now try and not get confused by this life I have decided to live. I don’t like wasting my money to indulge in another’s heightened curiosity of me or how they believe I should be. Maybe I am a THC addict or maybe it shouldn’t matter so much as long as I am minding my own business and all my bills are getting paid. You never see my hand out asking for nothing, not even a hang out. I don’t care to be around those that are just trying to even the score. When I used to have friends I told them all my truths so it was very clear, I never needed another being trying to hold who I am against me. I am tired of living that way and I won’t no more.

I don’t desire for revenge but I can tell if you are fake and if you are incapable of even being real with yourself than you need to stay far away from me. If I can still see you over there lurking in the shadows, you are still to close there is nothing you can do in this life time to ever get close to me. A tiskit a taskat too many eggs in your basket is something my Dad used to always say to me. You can’t make everybody happy if some of your eggs are broken so why don’t you concentrate on just a few and try to make them happy? Or something like that is what I think he was trying to say. There is a reason why they only give one to juggle in Home Economics class. What human being can possibly juggle too much more? I mean some do and then others go insane what is it they say in the end…every dog has it’s day? Does it though? I have seen lines of dogs just waiting to get euthanized for the only reason is their existence is taking up too much space. Where once they were a loved pet they are now sentenced to die because the family that promised to love them needed to go on a two week beach vacation to feel the sand between their toes and the wind in their hair. Those people aren’t my people and if I just sing my truths it should irritate their burn and then without doing anything I can keep all the bad people away. I am who I am and I embrace all that I can be. I being full of love and wonder and of course some daily love from a tree.

One Comment Add yours

  1. lemmontage says:

    Yes, it’s never too late to get out from under and rise up. The present is for making decisions that give you the future you want.

    Like

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