This family only notices when it comes to tearing my heart out and watching me bleed. I can`t win for trying and it is starting to pull me from every which way. Sure it shouldn`t matter so much the opinion of fools but do they always have to stand around waiting to see if I fall?

I think I finally know what it feels like to swim in shark infested waters where all waiting to tear you from limb to soul. The kind of bite that will render you helpless entirely, leaving you begging for salvation long into the dark of night where forgiveness never comes but the sweet escape of death finally does. Other’s peoples expectations of a life well lived never fully comes full circle when you have vultures salivating at the bit. A fool and their money are soon parted with final taxes and living cowards who couldn’t lift a finger in life to try and even the score. Always with a hand out even in death. I wonder if they know that there time is still coming and who do they have who will come visit before they too find themselves resting in an early grave.

I haven’t spoken to anybody since my birthday. The reality of the life that I have found myself in had caught up to me and had hung me up by the toes. Would you believe not even one visitor? I suppose that is the reality of all that is me. I am so tired of those that say that as long as you are quiet and nice all things will be ok. Everybody expects you to do what is right by them but when it comes to you, well you can go and take a hike. The last few days has been hell on Earth. I have no idea why life is coming at me this way. Through all the yelling there isn’t even a chance to get a word in edge wise and it is all laying heavy on my heart and shoulders and I am beginning to lose all control. Starting with my birthday two days ago when all I got called was a stupid goof. I keep telling this man words hurt and are designed to sever you from limb to limb like a jagged, edged knife. You never forget the words somebody has spoken and better yet you never forget that fear and rage. That anger that somebody injects inside of you when they lie or break the heart of somebody you love. Tread lightly little one I am getting angry and I am on the hunt for blood.

What kind of person treats their family poorly with little or no instigation from anybody else? I know I cut off some immediate family members but they only come around to fuel their gossip mill. To give themselves something to talk about when the going gets tough. Everybody thinks they are above it all and will make the right choices until the wrong ones are chosen. When push comes to shove we will always chose what feels good to us and never mind those who have broken themselves in half trying to give us a life that is better than the hard working life that they had. What happened to me the day after my birthday was my whole greenhouse was uprooted from the roots. Well at least the cucumbers were anyways, and the tops of the tomatoes were all cut off. To see all my heard work put into these piles took the wind out of my sails and was very hard to take. My mommy still after all these years is my salvation and she was able to calm me down and reach me, even through all my tears. I wanted to give up because it was months of hard work just heading towards the trash but her insightful words of wisdom is what I needed to so desperately to hear. What she said was “what about all the other fruits and vegetables who didn’t do anything? It’s not there fault that mother nature came in with her wind.” Life and all it’s beautiful treasures will always find a way to tug on your heart strings and help you win. When I wanted to give up I want out there and replanted whatever I could. My mom is right you know. It wasn’t my fault or their fault that the weather took a turn for the worse but if I was a human being still alive but incredibly broken I would want somebody to come along and help me live, so that’s what I did.

I am always weary of those that I think don’t have the best interests for me and my family. I think they are easy to spot. Look towards the decisions they make that will gratify their soul. Who do they chose and where do they go when nobody is around. Do they chose to make others happy or do they sit around do nothing hoping somebody else will come along and do all the hard work so they can one day even the score on the backs of somebody else? Those that take revenge when they feel like they are the ones that are out of sorts and broken don’t even realize that what they are suffering from is karma and the Universe’s way of seeking revenge. You can’t win all the time and their is somebody in the shadows always waiting to try and even out the score. You can’t fix what ain’t broken without a little bit of decency and human compassion. I mean you can’t make a square peg fit into a circle anyways but some of you will spend your life’s passion trying your hardest to do so thinking that there is somebody out there who might make it all possible and take away your win.