Down and Out

What makes me different than most humans is I am undeniably me. When forced into a corner of a room to do another’s dirty work I will come out kicking and screaming denying all expectations and facts. Some say wearing your heart on your sleeve will be ones own doing but to them I ask what’s the sense of living if you can’t survive a little heart break from time to time, if you know what I mean? The human spirit was meant to be deterred, but never broken allowing others to piggyback off your momentum and wise woman tears.

I do want to be accepted and underneath all that I desire to be loved but not by an entity that has been sent to disturb me, my time on this Earth has become far too important just to lie flat on my back. I know it is easier in doing so sometimes. We all get incredibly tired from time to time. I know I am tired of the way that others always seem to surprise me by what they think is important and the words they try to use to settle the score. I couldn’t imagine not being there for somebody who needs me most during a time when the world is daring somebody you love to take their last breaths. Why wait around until the final inevitable when you could have come around more to simply just love. This is what kills me. Where once you were my age loving on your children and mate like this was the best place and time to find yourself ever here on Earth. You gave everything you had to the family you hoped would love you forever but they turn their backs on you the moment your spritely figure returns to the heavens to begin to even up the score. We should never be scared of that time when your spirit finally decides it is time for yo Wur departure. A wise man once told me that those who are sad when he is finally gone never got to appreciate the life he actually lived. That fear and regret that you will carry your whole life for not being there in the scariest time for your loved one will come to bite your *ss when you are older for this I am 110% sure.

Over 20 years ago I said my last goodbye to my Grandma and I still wished I saw her more. Her death hurts me the most out of all the grand parents I had lost before. Her death came on suddenly and took us all by surprise. The tears that come prevent me from seeing and I am broken just knowing I should have visited her more. I still see her there standing on top of the stairs waving at me to visit more. This time she made the journey down the short flight of stairs to give me one last final hug. It was our last and the one that will forever be kept in my brain. When she passed I promised to visit my Grandfather, and I would do so every time I came back to visit my small little home town. I know what it feels like to stare into the eyes that you used to love so deep and they no longer recognize you. There is a fissure in the heart that comes that will never make this moment ever seem like it could be ok. The idea that so many can possibly just pack away the elderly for somebody to take care of until they die just makes me so enraged. Especially to the ones that benefited from the lives of the soon departed. To you I ask when you are gone who is going to come and put flowers on your grave? What you did in life just pushed everybody away. You were content beaking off from the sidelines spouting off every dog will soon have his day.

What I have been forced to witness to this due will I think haunt me even in my grave. What human beings are capable of doing to the ones that gave them life horrify me. How can I even begin to trust those beings who would rather turn their backs on the ones who have loved them most in this life? Those beings who dictate from the sidelines what the right thing is to do but have been MIA forever ever since they got cushion added to their bottom line. Watch every excuse come up in the world as they have no problems spending the cash given to them by their loved ones who can no longer even get out of bed. I guess that’s what makes it so easy to forget about the ones who made you as they can no longer run after you like they used to do all those years ago when you were in nappies. They gave you life and made it all possibly yet you turn your head in silence and ignore them forever more. Once the clock stops ticking on the life you once had known there is no going back to make deals with the devil to try and even up that score. You are who you are and there is no hopes that there will be a good bone somewhere in that terrible body. I would rather remain in the shadows instead of interacting with this cool, cruel world.

So once again I think why dilute my self worth with these humans that would rather keep taking than keep an even score. Be kind to others as you would hope they would be to you. Return the favour as much as you can and be on your way if you find yourself in a position where you no longer can. I am aware of the hands I tried to feed that in return decided to bite me and of course those beings who wouldn’t feed me when I was down and out and pour.

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