The way we carry on as humans is short of electrifying at the end. What human beings are capable of and keep perverting the definition of their own version of reality to keep them feeling alive. Mainstream media triggers me. Maybe it shouldn’t and I am too sensitive but all it does is carry me to a time when I was being abused and constantly feeling in a state of disarray. What I noticed about being somebody who came out of their very first relationship feeling scarred and very used is nobody cares. Nobody cares to offer you kindness or even a lending their ear citing you must have desired it in some sort of way. It feels like yesterday all the bad stuff happened to me but the reality in my heart and mind is 30 years has happened in between those events and modern day today.
Kindness shouldn’t mean nudity or made to feel inferior because you can’t engage in sex in such a way. I was raised for it to mean something between two people and not a means to make ends meat when there is seemingly nothing else to do. It’s not that I feel that I am worth more than anybody who is passionate about that type of life and what it can do for them it is just in my mind I see a future that was already taken away. I wanted that normal 9 to 5 life that was promised to my classmates but the damage that was done when I was younger was too much. Who you become when you age is who you surround yourself with and of course I was driven towards the down and out and a little bit deranged.
I only know the street life and that desperate feeling that comes when maybe just maybe this month you might not be able to make ends meet. We used to deliver uppers and downers to prostitutes’ and their Johns, no joke. I remember thinking how sad I was for some of those girls. They were all skin and bones and just barely holding on. There was one who sustained an extreme beating out of sheer exhaustion and unwillingness to perform. Social media doesn’t show the true victims of a society that has become so obsessed with sex. We fuel that beast inside of so many then wonder why they hunt for our children to settle their sick twisted obsession of getting their rocks off to even up old scores. We live in a world where Epstein can carry on for years delivering our children to the most influential of men and never pay a price. Even in death his secrets still carry where his victims that are living just want a chance for their story to be listened to so they can try and settle up that score. All a victim is a chance to have their story believed in an attempt to have their innocence returned to them but once lost there will never be no more.
Then I think about how we don`t even have the right to do as we wish to have done with our own bodies. How is it even possible that in the all event of moving forward we have stumbled backwards into quicksand being threatened to be dragged under so that we can never get ourselves back up. Why is it we put the one person into power who represents 1% of the population to dictate to us to have their sick twisted ways. Think about it. What does an old man know what it feels like to be touched and raped by a pervert and forced to have their child to raise and look at everyday for the rest of their life like it was no damn thing. I was raped at 13 and not by some old man but by a teenager that I trusted and I thought that I knew. My Dad decided that I was too young to have to endure the responsibility of raising a child. His words exactly was how can a child raise a child and you know what he was 110% right. I still made some horrible choices but could you imagine what I would have done to my kid. I am 43 now and I am not doing the best job but I am more willing and able to try and keep a saner mind.
Life makes no sense. Not today and probably not tomorrow. Never. What it is we are forced to do takes away what everybody says is so simple to do to keep ourselves happy. Follow our passions right. Follow our hearts. If you do those things you will never feel like you have to work a day right. Who knows. Maybe so. I remember when I was working as a beautician I was ecstatic and that is why I am so happy to have the opportunity to do what I do. All I want to do is share my story in the most creative of ways and help others learn to love themselves and be mindful of what it is they say. Maybe not to others just always speak the truth. I am talking of being kinder to yourself no matter who it is you find who has entered the room. Life is meant to be lived happy and the more we listen to those on top the further we will go and the more life will seem to slip away. Suicide rates and depression are sky rocketing and it is because in essence we are made to feel like we can never measure up. I know I have struggled with who it was I wanted to identify with. There are those that I wanted to believe in that made it so tough.