I don’t mean the brightly coloured hair dolls we grew up with. I mean those in our general vicinity that is hell bound and determined to try and take away our smiles. No kidding, right. There are those with nothing better to do than to try and take you time with their over eager attitude and even less desirable mind.
I get jealousy. Well not anymore but I understand where it comes from and what it can drive one women to do. Men to. Any being for that matter. When it comes to seeing something that you wish you had more often than not the animal will come out and want to devour it. At least my younger self did. Tried to do. I was always so scared of the ramifications that I usually ended up sitting too scared on the fence wishing I could fit in. Never did actually lol The very essence of who I am and always will be will never mix with most and that is entirely ok.
Now trolls though. What the hell. I suppose we all come across some controversial social media postings and we maybe we will desire to report it but then again we have to think that if it was important enough for somebody to post then it is their right to freedom of speech and if we begin taking away that right where do we stop. Can we stop. I don`t think so but maybe again I have been known to some times be wrong but not tonight.
I am trying to cleanse my aura by thinking about others as I wish they would think about me. Sounds confusing right. Ha! Just a bit but it`s kind of like habit forming. Do something enough times over and over again and you just begin to learn to be kind. Then you become kind to yourself and all of your surroundings and everything you touch turns to green and gold and allows you to beam with such pride.
It`s in my blood to be kind and to learn to live off the land. Not to upset yourself with the opinion of so many when only your opinion should be the one whose is weighted in gold. Spending too much spinning your wheels just to get noticed will give you a raging stomach ulcer and probably thinning hair, to which I have neither. Well I know the pains of an ulcer. My first and only one hit me in high school. Ain’t nothing like feeling that rapid, constant burn inside your stomach that always lingers in the back of your throat threatening to come up. Acceptance was all I wanted as I lingered the halls looking for a kindred spirit or like minded soul. All I got was trolls. Every which way I was covered in somebody’s filth in hate. Believed to not be good enough and usually always stemming from my weight. I fluctuated like a yoyo all because I loved food way too much. Didn’t help that I got a discount at Wendy’s and worked most closing shifts at Superstore so I always had a lot of junk food easily accessible at my fingertips.
I think that is why it hurts so much because we all desire to feel a little bit of human compassion and we can’t help but to desire and long to somehow fit in. That’s what gets me everyday when I am trying to feel some sort of love from my daily human interaction. I let them take away what it means to be human to me and I need to stop myself from thinking that way or find myself always slipping away.
There are those who will always try to hold us accountable and then there will be those who will try to excuse it all away. Minimize who you are and how it is they profit off of you. Nobody wants to keep you around with a full heart in tacts. You hold more value to them broken so they can always play the knight in shining Armour, keeping you closest so they can always hate.
Its easy to be mean isn’t it? You don’t have to think much just open up your mouth and say what ever it is you are thinking. No filter. No consequences unless of course you flap your gums off to the wrong person then it is game on like donkey kong but what about those beings around you that all they want to do is hate. It’s not anybody’s fault but their own but they want to intoxicate those around them with their obnoxious entitled fumes like it ain’t no thang. But it should be.
We made a world that is far too easy not to be accountable. The constant social media drag is more than most normal beings can take. The very idea that suicide rates are sky rocketing out of an inability to conform and perform just tugs at my heart strings and makes me feel like I am going insane!
Was life supposed to feel like this? Always totally inadequate constantly looking over my shoulder for that proverbial knife that will one day soon be hitting me in the back. You can’t trust anybody these days as green is the preferred color interwoven into everyday. I have never known an existence to be so content on redefining everything up to and including what it means to actually come alive. Let’s shame those with integrity to make them see things our way. Who cares if that is the be all end all it will be our will or the highway. I see all people and they seethe with rage. Hiding their identity to destroy another’s will, will always have me looking at them with such distrust and shame. I am not scared to tell it like it is and how it should be because after all it is the truth that shall always set you free.
Thank you all for the continued love and support. The realness in all of you keeps me reaching for the realness to be found in me.
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