To My Unborn Daughter,
I know in my heart I think about you a lot but it is almost entirely impossible for me to find the words to say. Unless you have lost a child it might not even be an idea in your head the pain that a mother can endure. My pain is almost easier somewhat because I never got a chance to meet you even after all these years.
Feeling back on those days I remember thinking you were a part of me even before I know you were there. It was waiting in the Doctor’s office to take that pregnancy test and having another toddler put his hand on my belly and ask, “Baby?” You were barely brought into existence but your presence was felt by anybody who was around you during this time. That crushing blow as I was called to the counsellors office to get my results read. That’s how I found out, by my counsellor Mr Pavan.
Stepping into his office he didn’t need to say anything his eyes filled with tears said it all. The weight of the last 1.5 years of violence finally caught up to me and I was about to be crushed under the lot of it. In Grade 9 all you think about is playing outside and the occasional video game. That was the era of the first Nintendo so not every family had one yet.
So my dear Darling what I need you to know that although the choice of having you was taken away from me I know that it was the right one. How could I raise a woman who could put an end to this world’s pain suffering, when the life that I have come to know was the biggest dumpster fire at best. I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t bring you from the Heavens and have you turn out an even worst version of me. I needed you to start out grounded and surrounded by so much love that I had no choice but to return the gift I was given back.
So to my unborn daughter I need you to know that I needed to provide to you a life that was worthy of you. There was no way I wanted you to become damaged in the way that everybody I encountered in my life deemed onto me. We as woman have the ability to control the world and it is the men around us who wants to take that away. Now I am in a position to build you up in such a way that you have a chance to make something of yourself in this world. It took me 43 years to claw myself up here but to you I will gift you all my heart aches and trials to ensure that you are raised strong.
We as woman have the ability to manipulate the world. We have always had that power but have numbed it to allow for others to catch up to how we feel but that is what will be our undoing. Don’t you remember Helena of Troy? Her face alone in a time before social media launched 1,000 ships to return her home. That kind of power led to 10 years of war. How man lives were lost because of just one. What looks has the capability of doing no man has ever been ever to come close to in their forever quests of mind controlling drugs. So to my unborn daughter if you can control you wanton desires you will one day learn to control the world.
What happened to me after you left was 2 decades of the most intense hardship and abuse. I made it hard on me. I was embarrassed at how weak I had been in my ability to keep you and I would use the fact that you were gone to fuel my consumption of alcohol and drugs. What brings me to my knees my dear is knowing and believing that to fit into this world that I no longer had the choice and I couldn’t let what happen to me happen to you so I became content on becoming a loser.
There was nothing that could be said or done and every time somebody turned on me I believed it was because they had known what I had done. All I wanted was to bring you home. My heart is what kept me moving throughout all those days. I gravitated towards the biggest losers I could think of because it became easier the further from you that I eventually became. Every loser I had dated made it easier that I wasn’t a mom. If that is the best of the partners that are out there I will pass. It was never about convenience but who can provide the best family for us at most.
See back then I couldn’t protect you. You would have ended up just like me. I needed to work as hard as I could and work my fingers until all they could do was bleed. What could I leave you if all I was was a crumbled mess? I think that is why I have always hoped for the best and kept trying until something panned out. If you deemed me worthy enough to be your mom again I couldn’t waste a second of that time here again on Earth. Everything I have experienced will become your own power and inner light. There is a reason why all this happened to me and now I am sharing this story here in my middle age.
I already decided that if I was given another chance I will hold no bars and take no prisoners for it is your life that is golden and I am so thankful for the chance that you are back. Over the years we have tried to breathe life into your name to no avail and that is ok. I spent my whole life wondering what it would be like if you were by my side and I think now that in my age I am accepting of what is never meant to be.
Love Always and Forever,
Your Mummy ❤