Oh My Gawd!! Can you believe that b*tch is what all the haters around me can be heard saying. It’s like they hate that I appear confident when out and about and it is has become their lives mission to try and steal it all away.
My reality is I am not confident at all so there is nothing that they can steal from me. I know what trolls have it in them to say so I remained close to the shadows in case I had to run away. There is no room for those who always want to tear another down deeming that what they possess is worth it’s weight in gold. Those that have hurt me or keep the company of those that wanted to hurt me I will forever keep far away.
I don’t trigger you, I trigger myself. That is why I do what I do on EVERY day. It’s not personal. Well it is to me so when somebody says or does something so ridiculous it is very triggering to me so I do what I do everyday to try and harden up. You have to become a master of your emotions and let nothing penetrate your soul. How will you ever find success in this lifetimes if you are constantly becoming undone by an anonymous troll. Remember to give them a show and make it count because we aren’t getting out of here alive and nobody is going to remember our names anyways. Blaze out.
So when I decide to reel together a piece of my day on Instagram it is because something has touched me deep down inside. There is a memory that has been brought to the surface that I just want to capture and portray to the world. That is why most of the music is the same and comes from the same time period of the same genre because that is the music I was listening to when I was made to feel. Don’t you want to capture a memory and showcase it to the world. It’s not because it is personal but for that moment all you want to do is be heard.
That is why I do what I do and try to find a way to relate to some of you. I was picked last in gym class even though I was a good athlete. I was picked last because nobody really liked me and I was way to shy to speak. I know what it feels like to think you aren’t going to have a date to prom or to be known as the class slut. I also know what it feels like to have a bully want to smash your teeth in and all you ever did was just be there.
I also know what it feels like when a parent casts you a side and when your mental illness became too much for your siblings to want to share. Trust me when I say this I know what it feels like to wish to the world you were no longer here. You couldn’t possibly kill yourself so you search for an honourable death. That is what drove me to drinking and doing drugs because I wanted out of this hell that I called life.
I know what it feels like to do everything for a man only for him to sleep with anything that was willing and sometimes the ones who didn’t move. I know what it feels like to see his face slammed all over Instagram with the side b*tch that he told everybody was his wife.
Pain is pain and it has lead me to this life. At 37 I decided I wanted more so I went back to school and even back a true wife. I was blessed with the opportunity to even be a mom. All things considering I was doing well so I don’t understand why I am faced with all this slanderous sh*t.
Becoming 38 I became even a Pin-Up Queen!! Can you imagine that shy little teenage outcast standing front stage and center living every little girl’s dream. Then you wanted to take it away. Too fat. Too old. Too beat up some would say. I couldn’t believe what my ears were earing so I stood up and said NOT TODAY!! I was never going to stand around and listen to these women berate each other. If a negative word is capable of slipping out at anytime I can guarantee you it is happening ALL the time.
Why I came into that world was to stand up for anybody who survived their life like me. When the rest of the world turned their backs on us we drove our 5 inch stilettos in and vowed never again to be poor. Not the conventional definition of but a life richer than any eyes could ever dream becomes it comes deep from the heart. You can get a sense of those who will always be there for you and when those come around just to get there fill. Tell them that this time is over for them and there is no more possibility of a refill.
The only person you owe anything to is yourself. Just because I rock the perfect coif and liner is no reason to get so uptight. I lived my life. I perfected my life. I have been living this way for pretty much a decade. Practice makes perfect don’t you know and it isn’t truly my fault you are content rolling down that hill. I am never caught off guard and I live my life to a tee that way. So quit wondering what it is I am up to and live your life your way.