It is hard to share my thoughts and feelings because they are entirely one side. Of course they are. It is just me. Expressing my thoughts and feelings to the world. Because I talk to few it becomes obvious who those are that oppose of me. I mean my very presence in any room angers them and they are quick to fling any insults my way because of this.
This existence becomes even harder when the son that I love so dear begins to show signs of an inability to communicate, which has never been made more clear at 3 am this morning when he just flew into a rage. I don’t want to talk about his behaviour as such to give him a future complex. Just no it becomes extremely difficult to even breathe with all this negativity that surrounds me.
So if I am not allowed to express my feelings out of fear of retribution what can be done? I feel this weight begin to grow inside of me with every time I get asked if I am stupid. No I am not stupid. I am just trying to live a simpler life. I would rather live each day representing me as the example instead of constantly turning your back to walk away. I am not stupid. I am not dumb. I am not an idiot. Unless of course you are talking about why I insist on staying where I am.
With a noose around my neck I am afraid to move. I know what will happen if I pull the trigger so that my soul can finally begin to move. So many lives will come to an end where I stand so I have to find an honest way of wrapping my head and heart around all this and keep on trying earnestly to get it to work.
This is hard. I feel like I am being smothered. I can’t talk to anybody about what I am feeling but what I can tell you is it’s completely suffocating. I thought by keeping my mouth shut and living right by my son would be enough but it ain’t. With every loving move towards making him feel like he is accepted and that he will be ok there is this forever tightening of this noose. Looking around me over these last few months I realize that I am left standing here all alone.
In the absence of something perfect everybody around me ran away now I built up a fortress to protect us because I don’t need to hear no longer what it is that other people are saying. I know why it is and why you hold your head with such shame. I can’t do that to my boy and I will spend every breath inside of me telling me that he is the same. If I can’t get what needs to be done before he is awake than I can wait. What he needs most is undivided love and almost constant attention, in the absence of that he will begin to break.
I wish I knew how to help him but I am scared of what modernized medicine will do. Will they hurt him more and stunt his development or does he just need a little more one on one to see him through? I want to cry thinking that I am his only place for support. Once I am able to I am driving to my moms. She has had a similar experience these last few years. I wish all the bad stuff that happened to her, didn’t. I miss her so much but I know what keeps us apart is failing health and there is no way around that obstacle sometimes.
I conduct my day to day like I was a single mother and no longer a wife. Why believe that there is another half out there to help to when all they care about is the dog inside of them getting there day. What we are forced to endure on the regular would truly break your heart. I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it with my own eyes and I think for now we will forever stay broken apart.
My son deserves the best even in his troubles and I want to help him believe that one day. He doesn’t have to beg for me to pay attention to him or lash out with his bad behaviour because I made a promise to him to always be there. I get scared in my thinking that maybe this is all that there is. What if this moment was taken from us and he was gone? Would I regret the things that I didn’t do today if I just kept passing him over? Oh, I don’t think so. This will never be me. Not ever. I don’t care what other people keep saying.
Am I bad mom? It depends on how you look at it but as far as I am concerned there is nobody that is close to us that can even make that judgement. In my eyes it is just me and my son against the world so I have to protect him as such until he gets old. The things that he is forced to endure on the day to day breaks my heart in every which way. I need him to know that he doesn’t need the acceptance of others that the truth lies in himself. It’s a heavy weight for a young child to have to carry but I can’t have him crumble from the extent of it.
It is what it is I am developing a hard skin. I need to calm the fire within even if it means learning to keep my mouth closed for the most of it. My son is becoming just like me so I have to be sure that I am living by an example too.
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