I Lost The Battle

What else can I say. I lost the battle. I was ready for war but my health had different ideas.

Everyday was a new way to watch my heart break. Who had it in them to try and derail me and watch me become unglued? It has been common knowledge I have been on a pickling dose of anti depressants but the come off of said drugs is something that was far beyond my control.

It is not that I am an addict. I am a manic depressive. I had to use the strains of marihuana to try and chase all those demons away. Call me lazy. I would smoke. Insult my parenting. Smoke again. Leave me alone for days in this convoluted place of torture that you had built while you so easily find yourself drifting off to sleep.

Killing myself slowly was better than trying to get anybody to notice me. Well I tried to get people to notice me so I can help myself out of this mess but to no avail. Will I ever find a peaceful end?

Riddled with anxiety I can barely breathe. A side effect from trying to run away from the world. Now that it feels like there is a rock in my chest I feel closer to death than I have ever been and I think about it daily from time to time.

I can’t stop myself from crying. I know I did this stuff to me. All I wanted was to feel a moment of happiness instead the constant barrage of insults and neglect that are constantly coming my way. I don’t want to be around ANYBODY who treats me like I am disposable. That includes ALL of my family.

The reason why I want to live is because of my Mom and of course my son but as I sit here gasping for air I wonder if maybe I am too late. Did the tumors come back from my younger years and am I sitting duck just waiting for death to come and take.

I pray for my lucky break in life where it seems like everything that I have hoped for is beginning to turn my way. I don’t want to be a part of this family who doesn’t care for us. Me and my son will always be the 1 plus 1 that equals 2. He is my ride and die and we are alone I know we will be ok but it is when anybody else is around that they try to interject what it is they are trying to do and get their final point across to say.

I don’t ever want to give up but my physical body has other ideas. What I need the world to know is that when my son had that extra horrible weekend I pulled up my socks and vowed I would do everything in my power to help him. It’s hard. It is draining on my soul but when I consider how our relationship is growing I know that there is no other feeling like this in the world.

So I put the blinders on and forgot about everybody else. They forgot about us so it’s us against the world. What I hate know is that now that I understand him and I consider him a friend I am told I am doing everything wrong and I am going to end up hurting him in the end. It is always something else to nag about and all I want to do is protect him from the world. I tell him everyday he is my favourite human and I would do anything to see him smile.

So in the absence of being able to properly medicate I think my brain has decided to check out and make me insane. It’s a catch 22. If I smoke what I am supposed to do I will suffocate and choke on my own breath. There is a knot in my chest that prevents me from doing so, so I have made the decision to quit cold turkey. I had asked for edibles and other means for keeping me sane but because I don’t have a job I am poor so I can’t afford anything.

When it is brought up about how I am a waste financial it takes everything inside of me not to pick my body up off of the floor. I am depleted by all means. All I have is my mom but in times when I most emotional my calls get screened and I am not allowed to talk to her.

I am crying right now as I right this. I mean of course I am that is all that I do. Even as I sit here doing nothing, I can’t breathe and I am scared for what the next day or two will bring. Smoking the quantities that I did didn’t change a dang thing. Yes it was easier to be happy but how happy can one be when they are hated where they stand just for being still.

You know how they say no more Mr Nice Guy but then who would I be? I don’t want to be like the rest of the world who only cares about themselves and couldn’t give a damn about me. From the moment I rise I am trying to make it count so I can one day again start taking care of myself. Nothing works. Nobody is listening. So what becomes of me when there is nobody around listening to what I have to say waiting for their turn to be heard?

Well depression. I fear you and your friends that you come knocking around these parts with. I am stuck between keep on keeping on and finally succumbing to all your evil ways.

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