Dead Weight

There are those that stay around you just to try and dull your shine. Then there are those that gravitate towards you because they want to see what you are all about, those people may or may not be ok. Then there are those that are only out for their proverbial #1 and they will suck every source of light right out of you every dang chance that they get.

I don’t waste around for nobody, well except for the predicament that I find myself in. The only person I owe anything to is my spouse and even that scenario is eventually going to come to an end. I can’t imagine a life that keeps feeling this way. I know that he must feel the same way too.

The one thing I take note of are those people around me who just blow smoke out of my *ss. They pretend that they are worthy of the sun but they fail to let any of it shine down on them. When push comes to shove they turn their nose up in angst and walk away. Want to know they easiest way to get on somebody’s nerves? Accept yourself for all that you are and be content on letting your beauty resonate from within.

I think about those beings capable of cheating on their mates and in my brain I wonder a scenario if this chain of events could ever be ok. Like, if you truly love the one you are with you could never just climb out from underneath another being’s body wondering where it is you begin and they end. I always maintain that like minds gravitate towards each other. It kind of explains the man I believe my husband to be. He doesn’t keep the best company, in fact he puts some of the depraved ahead of his own and we have to accept that and believe that it is ok.

I don’t need no comrades for where it is that I am heading nor do I need any bystanders to tag along to witness the show. I know who I am and I know what I want to do with my life. None of this pain that I endured was for nothing but I maintain my status as keeper at the gate. Exclaim your purpose and what it is you are doing here? Did you come bearing gifts or do you believe your presence is worth its weight in gold?

Dead weight or those hanger arounds that do nothing but start taking from your shine. Their indirect rejection starts eroding at your heart at best but their lack of acceptance eats away at your mind. Constantly fearing the worse you begin to believe all the hateful words that they begin to spew. Would a being who loves you with your whole heart do everything to take away the life from you? Do they prefer to see your tears instead of watching you smile and do they come up with a multitude of excuses instead of finding yourself in the same room?

I never claimed to be easy, in fact I am sure I never made an accusation as such. I am sure I opened with I come with a lot of baggage the kind and likes the most of the world would never understand. Being open and upfront with my mental illness I thought I was investing in somebody more kind. What I ended up with in the end is somebody who was content on pushing me over the edge and who is always hoping that I am one step away from losing my mind.

I understand that at times anybody can be difficult but when do we draw the line when it comes to acting incredibly depraved. Even my son looks at me at times and calls me a dummy, it makes me sad that the whole world perceives me to be this way. Am I dumb or maybe I am just a little bit eccentric. Refusing to believe that we as humans have it in ourselves to behave so bad. What I don’t understand is this immediate desire for others to belittle and betray those who only want to love them. Like in an attempt to keep the mouse away.

There was a time that I believed that if you were good to people they would reflect that back onto you. Oh how funny to think back on those kind of days. Everybody who I laid down my life for has now stabbed me in the back and I don’t blame them for taking up on an opportunity that I had allowed them to take. I wanted to believe that there was something good deep down inside of everybody until I learned that some beings are more than content to keep on behaving in such a way.

Don’t be surprised if I don’t return your messages or phone calls when you have been notorious for always keeping me on the ignore. What the rest of the world needs us to believe is that we need to keep the company of many instead of keeping those around you who are able to carry their own weight. Those that are ready to shine and live by their own truths are the only beings that are living that I aspire to be. I don’t need to take on anymore than I already have here close to me. I finally feel confident enough to finally hit my own ignore.

There are has to be some sort of reciprocation of feelings or at least emotions that wants to see those in your company flourish and succeed. Why keep anybody around just to see them fail? That kind of energy will drag you right under and make sure you will never win. Weighted down from the way others continue to see you instead of finding a way to make yourself float up towards the light and remind yourself how great it is when you finally remember how to swim.


Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s