There is something that comes over you when you realize the kind of life you just sort of missed. Maybe you have no idea what I am talking about but this moment hit me right in the face.
It happened almost 20 years ago now. The first time I laid eyes on the man who captivated my soul. There was something about him that I just could not resist but I had to try and maintain some sort of control.
I managed just fine in the physical sense. I was able to resist his physical advances but my heart still remained love sick. In my heart I believed we were destined to be together but my mind had other idea. If I wanted the life that I had always dreamed then I had to find a way to forget this man and get the hell out of this place.
Did you ever look into the eyes of someone you love and tell them they were not good enough for you? Ya I did that. I looked him dead on and said I could never be with him. I was destined to live a life that was more than dating a gangster who sold drugs. Ever watch the face of the man you truly love break in half? Ya I did that. We never saw each other face to face after that moment. I couldn’t blame him after all the hateful things that I had said.
Time marched on and I still thought of him everyday. What was he doing? Was him and his family doing ok? I couldn’t help it. It was all the good times that we spent. When we were together time stood still and nothing else mattered I just couldn’t imagine not ever having a family or even a future so I did what every normal woman would do when they were in love, I took an opportunity that was presented to me and ran.
Eventually he started looking for me and I couldn’t help but answer his call. All the feelings and emotions came back and I couldn’t help but feel like I was on top of the world. It was how he made me feel like I was important out of all of this.
I remember talking to a physic about how should I know if this time is right. I know what you are thinking but I needed to find my place in this world. It wasn’t about asking about if he was the guy for me it was about finding myself. It just so happened she was a part of my life back then and it has always stuck with me what she said.
My angels were tired of protecting me from all the bad decisions I was making. There was only so much they can do outside of being ignored. My heart had no idea what that meant. Could she mean that I made the wrong decision pushing him away after all these years or did she mean that I needed to never talk to him again. I was so confused.
So I waited. I waited to talk to him again and the phone call never came. It was like he was wiped off the face of the Earth and I would never know what decision it was I was supposed to make.
I remember my mom telling me right before I left the Lower Mainland that I had to get out because it was slowly killing me. He was the reason why I did so much drugs back then because I was hoping that after he sold it to me he would have time to hang out.
So there she was. As soon as I went to look up what color I was going to dye my hair his sister’s face showed up on my screen. She had been murdered outside of her home. Murdered. That could have been me.
Any loss of life is suffocating no matter where it seems to come from and it is a smack in the face for those who love us most when it comes. To try and explain to anybody how it is I feel, I can’t. I am alone. The only one that cares to listen to my cries has been ripped away from this Earth. The only thing that I have is hope that all this life that we have lived will somehow make sense. I am scared that it won’t that we just die in the end but for where I am standing now I have to believe.
I chose to be a wife and mom and I think that is what so many don’t care to understand. I left everything that was a part of me and started from scratch and tried to rise up. My heart was shattered living in a town with no friends and all I wanted was somebody to hug me and tell me I would somehow one day come out of it all ok.
My angels were tired of watching me run so they gave me a blessing that came in the form of my son. When you were as old as me thinking your life had no future and for sure had no help you cling to the life that was given to you with every thing that you can. Even coming two months early didn’t defeat us but I needed a reminder that what I was doing would eventually come at a final cost.
Once I came here I never gave that life a second thought. Well there would be a time or two when the curiosity would creep back in. How else would I find myself in the position I know found myself in. Just a mild case of sorrow when it comes to memories being flooded in from the past but what is important to note here is I am validated for my feelings of needed to run away from him.