Oh man I can’t do this. They way he looks at me as he throws my hand off with disgust. I know he will never know my pan or even desire to understand it but what I am experiencing is this weird kind of break from reality and this world.
In absence of everybody my son is my biggest love in my life. I have to say my life because he still has so many chances to experience a love that is true. I know with every fiber in my being now what true love feels like. It takes my husband yelling and swearing at me telling me everything I am doing is wrong. This hurts like hell and the only thing that will make it stop is forgetting and realizing a being that is more simply me.
I love love. I love true love. I love the way it feels when you stare into the eyes of somebody who sees you as being the only person in this world. That happened to me once. And I felt amazing. Every time I was in his presence I felt like Blaire Waldorf finally getting her Chuck. If you don’t know what I am talking about I am talking about Gossip Girl. I mimicked my love life after hers didn’t you know. I drove my best friend crazy at the time and then I finally made it to New York. I couldn’t make it up the Empire State Building but I should have as it was all just the same.
What I am experiencing is an overflow of emotions which stems from a vicious cycle of lack of respect. My husband insists that I am the originator but it all seems so commonplace now. It has happened so much that it just needs to end and he keeps saying I need to let go of the past. I could let go of being called a whole bunch of slanderous names but when it continues how can I forget? The viciousness of his words sometimes cut me deeper with any knife.
What people don’t understand is I don’t regret a thing. I don’t regret being married or having my son I just hate all the mean things that he says. I hate the way he makes me feel when all I am doing is trying my best. I feel alone in this world now with nobody to catch me when I am falling and nobody to look at me thinking that I am the best.
I cry a lot and I get made fun of for that. And when I can’t stop the tears from falling and my son happens to see I assure him that it isn’t him and not everything is as it seems. That in time it will make sense but all I need him to be his my son. I give him a little squeeze and side hug and remind him that he is my favourite person inside this giant world because he is.
With everything I know I know him to be the greatest love of my life. I was sent to be his protector and teach him everything that I can and guide him in the ways that I can’t. That a recognizing of self only came when I looked into his eyes. I want to protect him from it all and the way that the world is one giant lie. The only way I can is to empower him with knowledge and to love him unconditionally for all that he is. I don’t care who he becomes as an individual because he is always that little part of me living on the inside.
I think that is what makes mother’s just a little bit different than father’s. It is that unconditional love that is born in the womb and exists in the heart. My dad dropped me like I was hot garbage set to ignite on a hot summer’s day. No joke. Coming of age was a trip for me. Once I was on my own it was like go away. Imagine a grown *ss man shunning the children he brought into this world. Only a man can do that can’t they? Sorry for the generalization. Some mother’s are trash too. Just like some father’s come in and pick up the dead weight. Just speaks to how just because we are born into a body it doesn’t mean we can’t adapt to be better. We have to want to will ourselves to want to behave in such a way.
I like to believe that my brain behaves the same way as most people but I have come to understand that I may think a little differently. I don’t get ahead when the people in my life are unhappy so I put them first and live my life accordingly. I saw an article come up where a YouTuber with only 14,000 followers left his baby for hours unfed and a soiled diaper so he could do a live. Who does that? I try to do all that I can when my son is asleep because I want to be a part of his life while he is awake. I am sure I am doing it all wrong but I am focused on getting him ready for school. We don’t have much time left and I am hopeful for a positive experience but you never know when it comes to him. I don’t mean that in a bad way I mean that in that it is his way and I love him no matter what no matter what mood for the day he is in.
So I am going to get even weirder as I search for my truth and my quest to live my life more authentic. Whose life would I be living if I was living in any other way and when it comes to living our lives I would consider that to be the greatest sin.