Worthy of Love

Failure was never an option for me. I always believed in the back of my mind I was worthy of a happy life one day. The truth about happiness is not everything is as it seems and sometimes even the most perfectly built families suffer the worst cracks.

I remember once hosting a fundraising birthday to which my cousin replied why would anybody show up. I never thought for a minute that people wouldn’t want to raise funds for homeless animals and volunteering my time to do something worthy for a few hours seemed to me to be something great. That was my first inkling towards not everybody seeing the world as I do as they left me there and drove off to have a better day ahead of them in their minds.

All you have to worry about is how you see yourself and the rest will follow. The charade couldn’t be something possible to keep up with after all these years. I always knew I was a girly girl who wore her heart on her sleeve and if I could comfort those who I knew were somewhat worthy isn’t that what a small town farm girl was to do?

I wanted my life to mean something because I lost something early. Something was taken away from me without consideration to how growing up with a loss of innocence could mean. I was brutally shy and awkward as f*ck and if I am being brutally honest you might as well throw in frigid too. I was scared of not being accepted so I just dulled my shine. If only I could get through with nobody noticing I knew deep down everything would be just fine.

My best friend in college was murdered by her domestic partner for ratting him out. He beat on her son right in front of her. Her boy had a broken arm as he was going off to jail. Charges never stick and he was able to come back. He killed her right in front of her son and rolled her up in a carpet and threw her over a hill. To think the last time I saw her I met him for the first time. Staring in the eyes of evil that night we all warned her that it was ok to leave him, she didn’t want to be alone.

I want the world to know that it is ok to embrace who you truly are. It is ok to want to help out a world that will stab you in the back with no prevail. That is why I have become so hard in my ways. Maybe I will forgive you once. Depending on what it is you have done. I will just keep being cold as ice but always sweet like sugar.

It shouldn’t take a lifetime for us to learn how to get it right. What we are given we are gifted to last us over an eternity and it will arise every night. Coming to us in our dreams we shall allow ourselves to get filled with hope. If only we were promised this one last day what would we do with the time we were given?

Working our fingers to the grind at a job that we just hate. Living away from our families or getting stood up on yet another date. If we become our surroundings what do you fill your day with? I like to fill my days with the wills of a woman who appreciates her life by fulfilling all of her roles of a housewife who has duties. Sure how mundane right? Well not if you live here. Nothing is calm when it comes to all of the life that lives here.

I guess I could wish that I could go off and see the world but the idea of being so far from the ones that I love is something that my heart could not bare. Maybe in time as time and life passes us by but for now I like those days that are somewhat quite when I am with my pets and my son safe at home. Does it matter so much that the world views me a little differently or is it more important that I feel safe within my own head and heart?

Authenticity seems something that is hard to find these days as more often than not we are adapting to those around us out of a necessity to survive. Think about somebody you allow to treat you kind of poorly because they are friends of somebody that you know and respect. If the person that you regarded so highly knew how you were being treated and didn’t stop it wouldn’t they be just as guilty if the filth was found on their breath? We give people too much credit but trust me the filth just trickles down from there. It is alarming what people say amongst each other when not everybody is around them to hear. No thanks. I will stick around my house thanks I got way too much to do. And all things that I love instead of getting an axe heaved at my back.

I know people find my offensive at times but I promise you that is not the case. My son and family is what is most important to me and in my eyes outside of those two things everything else can wait. From the moment I open my eyes I am always on the go. There is not much time to get on social media to try impress those people who aren’t there. Sure I show up because I have made friends. There are those that I have crossed paths with on their that makes me feel like I am getting a huge breath of fresh air. I love those people the most. They don’t know me in the flesh but they recognize my energy almost anywhere. I am thankful for those who show up consistently in times when I need to know that somebody cares. To those people thank you.

Life gets hard when you think nobody is noticing and it gets even worse when you believe you aren’t worthy of love. It is hard when every day is filled with so much yelling and anger. Stemming from my toddler, my husband and even me. There is so much hostility at times it becomes almost suffocating and that is why it becomes so important to have a deeper connection with oneself.

For one more moment I would to be looked at again with so much love. If I have to be the one to take that moment then I may just be the only person out there who cares.

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