I think about all the ways we as humans fail each other and my soul cries a little more whenever their is a loss of innocence or one dies. Life in all of its abundance should be celebrated instead of acknowledged when one feels just ok.
You fail yourself every time you stop showing up, you need to be fully present wherever it is you find yourself in life. My home life, maybe is not so great but this is my family and I think I owe it to myself to give them and myself a fair chance and shake.
My husband will tell you we are equal in this battle but there is something to be said for the one who started this race. If there was anything in life that I always expected was to be respected for all that I was and given a fair shake.
I am still mad at our first fight for all the things that happened inside of it that went wrong. We’ve talked about it all in previous posts so there is no reason to begin hashing all that. I bought into the lie of wanting to be a family. I here it in his voice with every insult that he makes. There is something so grating about waiting for the boom to loom or when he looks at me with such disgust in his face.
Am I failing myself by staying here? Time can only tell what is about to happen. What I do know for sure is I am closing off most doors and I am locking them and throwing away the key. I more than anybody know what it feels like to start over again. His one mistake was consistently thinking that I was going to stop being everything I was born to be.
Everyday I awake with a vision in my head of what it took for me to get here so I could just be me. I look at my Grandma’s pictures and my Great Grandmother’s and I thank them for the life that I have been given. That means I am thankful for my son and the husband that I have and I go about my day being as happy as I clam then something happens.
My son has another melt down and my husband is about to come home. I am about to be lectured for all the ways that we don’t have a clean home. My plants won’t get watered and my chinchilla’s won’t come out. What started with the best of intentions now has me feeling so broken. Everyday is like this so I count down the minutes for it to come. I try to clean where I can and keep my son calm just in case my husband checks in.
There is no more social media breaks outside of when those two are asleep. What I do I do on my own time and then I have to buckle down and get to cleaning. The only hint of who I used to be is when I get dressed up. I got lost in story that will end happy instead of leaving me with an empty cup.
The world is no better as it begins to crumble right before my eyes. I have to remind myself what it means to live happy so I allow myself to drift off and dream. In the solace of the morning I am reminded once again that women are a lot stronger than we give them credit for and they are a lot stronger than our men.
I love thinking of my ancestors and the lives they would have lived. I am so happy that they made it during times that I can hardly believe that they did. This life seems simple doesn’t it? Everything right here at our fingertips. The only thing that is missing is true change and I believe that will be the answer to most of the world’s problems.
I think what makes my position extraordinary is the very fact instead of reaching middle age I exceeded it. I was blessed with a chance to see what was on the other side so in time it would begin making sense here on mine. In every single way there is reinforcement from above that we are more than just a prayer and I am in awe by the grace that it takes just in getting there.
What so many take for granted I could never possibly. Life is what happens when we open our eyes to the world that is living around us instead of spending an eternity crying and screaming while on our knees. We can hate everything as we pick it apart. Look for all the ways that life is failing us instead of appreciating what it is that we have been given.
One of my favourite pictures is of my Grandparents taken on their wedding day. To see the joy in their faces as they stood in front of their house. It wasn’t much to most eyes but it was worth its weight in gold to all of us. One day I hope to return to where it all began. I long for the days that were simpler when we were all still friends who lived nearby and called the woods that connected us home. It will never, ever be as it was because some of us were taken and no longer can come by to visit or even have their say.
People are strange but what is stranger is those we keep in our company and those we regard as close friends. There isn’t many I imagine growing old with, who I want to keep around to the bitter end. Social media has made it so we will live up each other’s *sses though. The air is filling with such noxious fumes that the normal brain can no longer even tolerate. Some people will learn to rise above it all and then there are those that will implode and eventually sink. Stupidity can’t rule us forever can it or are we destined to be dumber than the kitchen sink?