Caught

It never amazes me the way people move in mysterious ways. What I find incredibly humorous is the way they react when they finally get caught.

You know what I am talking about. Those scandalous souls who tend to fed off of each other because gravity pulls them so close they can never get away, not that they want to get away of course.

It breaks my heart over and over again to have to witness what those who claim to love each other can actually end up doing. I am talking about those closest to you. The ones that you have known simply because you shared the same womb.

Over and over again they try to pull one over simply because they are family. What I have had to endure thru is something I could never allow to happen so cutting them off in the end was the simplest thing to do. Why wait for somebody to only come around when the purpose serves them when they had an opportunity to heal your heart and more.

You know what I mean. Those vultures that are only circling with their eyes on the prize and nothing more. Rallying up the forces to eradicate your own truth and ending, yet it is that truth that has you sitting all alone.

I don’t want to feel ashamed for the life that I chose. I know what I am dealing with and I simply can’t take much more. You have to protect the fruit that falls from the tree instead of smashing it into pieces for all the world to see. Conformity isn’t the answer although in the end we are all becoming one and the same. We are scared to identify with anything, so we don’t, leading a life of chaos that isn’t entirely up to me.

Our elderly get pushed off all alone to serve the only purpose to settle old scores. No thought is given to how a life ended up like this or an ounce of compassion for a life that is ending with no going back. Sometimes it is easier on the heart when a life goes rather suddenly but if you ask me that is what is making my heart break. If only I can run up those stairs one more time to give my Grandmother a hug. I promise I will come back quicker this time.

Everyday is this mess of emotions with no accountability. The back stabbing that has gone on inside this small circle is too much and I can’t help but wonder if this is what is left of our life. I hate the people who only ring in to try and get information that they can use against the ones I love so that they can have their own way. Does anybody show up consistently anymore?

I yelled at my son yesterday. I just broke. Everyday is a non stop blood bath and onslaught of just this manacle mess that I just have to take. It starts as soon as they awake and ends when they finally close their eyes. Yes I am being a tad bit dramatical but it is getting to be too much and all I want to do is cry.

We have broken my all smiles baby and left a broken little boy instead. What we have forced this little boy to witness breaks my heart every time it begins again. I tell my husband I want to move to my family so we can surrounded by love. I am tired of all the names that my husband likes to call me that I can’t repeat because he has told me not to share what happens inside our marriage anymore. I feel isolated from the world with nobody to talk to. My whole body fills with rage when all the screaming and demands start up again.

Mommy get this. Mommy get that. Did you clean this or did you get to that? If I sit for a minute to catch my breath and get my barings it is always you are too lazy to get up so you got to do something about that. No mention of how hard it is that everything falls onto me. The crabs, the chinchilla’s, the budgies…I don’t want to nickle and dime every task but I have a greenhouse too.

I wonder if he knows just how cluttered this place would be if I just gave up. It is hard to be in all the places all at once. What I miss so much in my life is that feeling of love. That genuine trust that comes between two people that are just meant to be. Maybe I cry more because I wonder if I am worthy of that feeling all over again or if this is my punishment for all those choices I made wrong.

In reality life is nothing like Hollywood. Well not the happy ending part. What seems to be alive, right out from the movies is the desire to double cross and get rich for not even lifting a finger or lending a helping hand. Sisters will forget the memories of their youth as they thicken their plot to help you reach your demise. What I have seen blood relatives do to each other will send shivers up your spine.

What surprises me is how badly we allow our relatives to treat us because we need to believe that we share the same kind of good. Not every apple falls from the same tree. Maybe a squirrel carried one over and then decided it was rotten. There are some that are so loyal and others will sell you out in a second with no looking back. I think that is the biggest argument in our house. Do you believe that your life has value or do you prefer to have those around you that will set every dumpster they see on fire then stab you in the back?

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